Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Family Portraits deployment style....

Today I finally reached the point of this deployment where you finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. The point where you realise that you will get through this and that it is finally almost over. Woohoo! Lord knows it took me long enough.....

But I thought I would show everyone that even though you're separated by 7000+ miles that you can still have things like family portraits, LOL. Here is one of ours taken on Christmas day.

Please excuse the hair, I am usually a hot mess, I so need a makeover. But I thought it was cute and wanted to show off my crazy lil' family :)

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Merry Christmas!

But the angel said to them , "Do not be afraid. I bring to you good news and great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Saviour has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord"......Happy Birthday Baby Jesus, who is the reason for the season, and through whom I have been so very blessed this year.

I am very fortunate that this year is the only Christmas my Hubby has ever missed with me, no small feat for the military family I assure you. And while I miss him so, I know that we have been very lucky.

And it was a fabulous Christmas, we got way more than we could ever need and even got snow. A first for my hometown according to Dad. And we ate till we had to put the fat pants on (I will probably weigh a million pounds by New Year's Eve)....there were funny pictures and Christmas bedtime stories and sleepovers at my Sister's house, and some quality family time spent. But....

It was sad for several reasons too...I missed my Grandaddy and my Granny. This would have been the first Christmas with my Granny in over 20 years. And I still do not understand why God needed her when he did. I wish he had given her just this one Christmas with us, as I know she was so looking forward to it. And Christmas Eve at my MawMaw's just isn't the same without my Grandaddy. And it made me regret the last 8 years that I have not gone home for Christmas, and then I finally get to come home and its too late.  But the thing that makes me the saddest was that my Hubby missed all of this with us. It is just no fun playing Santa alone (and I really do hate putting everything together myself), and it made me miss him all the more.

Plus I do not know if it is sleep deprivation or stress, but I have been uber emotional this Christmas. And as odd as it sounds I felt so very alone last night in the middle of my really big family. It was weird being the only married person there without her spouse (besides my poor MawMaw) ....but I am thankful for this Christmas. It was nice seeing everyone and spending time with them, because you just never know if you will get another Christmas.  Much less a white Yay!

I am also thankful that the shopping is finally done and there is nothing left to be bought or wrapped or cooked.....time to settle in for the night with a Christmas movie and relax. I only wish I had some wine, LOL.

So here is hoping a Happy Christmas to all and to all a goodnight :)

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Army Wife on Strike......

I have seen some interesting debates online lately regarding military families and the benefits or lack thereof that we have. And frankly some of the responses I have seen in the form of comments make me very angry, to say the least.

I will not lie and say that in this economy I am not very glad to have a steady income coming in every month, as I am. And for the most part I am happy with our army life. But really , it was not going to take much to beat the POS trailer we left and the loss of jobs we were dealing with at the time. Which I suppose is what the army and other branches of military count on (that there are plenty of poor people looking to escape wherever they are) , as you just do not see too many affluent children enlisting. Do you?

But just because I am happy to have a paycheck every month does not mean that we as spouses never have the right to complain about the army's lack of care for families and that the army does not have room to improve upon itself and its policies.  Because let's face it everyone of us and our government will always have room to improve.

I personally feel that families are an after thought for the head of the army and that they will only do the bare minimum necessary to appear as though they give a care about us families. But as this is just my opinion and no one Else's, believe what you will. But I also believe that some soldiers are just not a priority to them either. My Hubby has been in 10 yrs and has had multiple training schools and background checks, all at a high cost I am sure to the government. His MOS also has a low rate of retention and are way below quota on recruiting. So this would leave you to think that his MOS is in need of keeping the guys they have, especially the decorated and well liked , the ones who have proven great proficiency at their job....but I guess not. As they have made no effort whatsoever to make my Hubby want to reenlist in 2 yrs, if anything they are pushing him to want to get out.

I understand that the "needs of the army" will always come first , but I also know that they can be more accommodating to the soldier and their families if they want to. And in the 10 yrs we have been in we have never received a choice of duty station, even after we have extended our contract in order to move to a new place only to be told less than a year later that they would be closing the same base and moving us out. Did we get the year back we had extended for since they did not keep their end of  the deal? No, of course not. Did we have an avenue to voice a complaint about this, No, of course not. By the time it was all said and done my hubby had to put in 7 yrs before he could even reenlist for the first time. And now we have been told where we are headed to next.......but of course the army did not go about it in the right way in my opinion. We were told that we would find out what was available and then would have some say in where we went to, but in the end the man who told us this did not do it, but instead assigned us and did not even tell us before he left (not sure if he was reassigned or pcs'd) . We found out from the new guy. And of course we have no recourse. We are stuck. And while I am praying and trying to be optimistic that they could change their minds (I mean it could happen , miracles do still exist) my hubby has already given up and written a career in the army off. His morale is so low and there is nothing I can do to help make him feel any better about it.

But anyways back to the debates I was reading.....

Frankly I am a little tired of civilian wives and even some silly military wives who say that we get way more than we deserve for what we do. And that we do not deserve them and should not feel so entitled. I personally think that the military does not receive as much as we deserve.  We are horribly underpaid compared to the civilian counterparts (this is based off of my Hubby's mos alone) and are forced to be apart for great lengths of time. We are also told where we must live and most bases are in horrid locations, and tend to be in the middle of nowhere. And while I understand that there are too many people in the army for everyone to go where they want , I do feel that those with a good deal of time and seniority should receive a choice if there are options to choose from. I also feel that if you think that we get too much and do not deserve what we do get that you should really try this lifestyle. Because really if it was as great as you say it is why wouldn't you want to. If it was as fabulous as it is made out to be everyone would do it, and not just predominantly the lower income brackets. And unlike a civilian job where you have the right to quit and move on at any time we are not given that luxury. And while many civilians (like my Daddy) put themselves in harms way all the time for work, soldiers do this on foreign soil often in lands where they are not wanted, or in support of wars they themselves do not support. Army deployments are long and hard (because they have not come to the conclusion all the other branches have yet) and are absolutely terrible on the families left behind. I am a single mother for now and it is hard, especially for a wife who has come to depend on and appreciates her Hubby's help. (and once again I am not in any way saying things could not get worse, just saying things could always be better). Plus if your hubby deploys with a group like mine has, there is no real support available to me as he did not go with a large battalion; there is no frg to fall back on or really any other wives in the same boat to lean on.  His unit here has been kind enough to keep up with me, but its not the same as a large unit FRG.  So I think those who say we have no right to complain are the ones who should hush. While no one has the right to be Debbie Downer all the time or to the point of annoying others, there is nothing wrong with the occasional complaint. Or attempt to shed light on a situation worthy of change.

And I commend the army wife who got her complaints on the news in CO for her blog. Especially since she received some really negative responses and has continued on.

And since there is no real place for the spouse of a soldier to voice concerns and complaints to I am putting mine here. And if the army and his MOS are not concerned at all with retaining a fabulous soldier like my Hubby, that is their loss. I know that he will find something awesome and that they will appreciate his unique skills . We do not need the army to survive. I just think its a shame that they care so little, as it would not have taken much to keep him. He has never been one to make waves or get in trouble and has shown time and time again that he can do his job admirably and has the awards to prove it. He is a strong leader well liked by his men and superiors. But if the army can not appreciate that , then they do not deserve him.

And frankly I am a little over this life too, at this point. Maybe it is time to look ahead and get ready to make a change.......

Monday, December 6, 2010

Back to "normal" again....

Ok so its been almost a week since he had to go back. :(, and needless to say up until I had a "come to Jesus meeting" with myself last night, I had been a straight up mess. The kids have been awful since he left; Kate always crying for her daddy, and Indiana's usual stuff plus add to that the fact I felt completely sad and overwhelmed again just did not make for a fun week.

It was so nice having him home with us. Having someone to hug and help out and talk to and watch tv with....we did have a fabulous leave for the most part.We were able to really talk some things out and work through some issues we had been having. And we got to spend Thanksgiving with our family (which could have been very sad for me since my Grandaddy and my Granny just passed)  for the first time in years and he got to go to Indiana's last soccer game of the season. We got to see a movie and even had a date night at the Japanese steak house. Which by the way was the most fun I think I have ever had eating out in my life. We got to spend time as a family and even do some Christmas shopping. The kids loved having him home and were always playing with him or loving on him. It was just really nice all the way around. Maybe too nice....

I enjoyed it so much and that just made it that much harder on me when he left. It seems that by the time you get used to being together again its time for him to go. Now I am alone in this again and frankly 4 months seems like a lifetime right now. And it is very overwhelming to say the least. Plus it was so heart breaking to watch my baby girl go to bed screaming for her daddy and wake up doing the same. It has been so hard just making myself do what I need to get by this week. Much less the extra stuff my kids are used to.

But last night I decided to shake this funk and get on with life. I decided to start taking better care of myself , since apparently I am the only person who can injure there self knitting. I need to start eating better and maybe even working out again, not to lose weight but to just keep myself healthy. And i need to start sleeping more and at a more regular time (always hard for me after he leaves as I just can't sleep). So I decided to turn over a new leaf and start anew this week. I made myself some chamomile tea last night and took my movie to bed and actually went to sleep a a lot earlier than I have been , still not as early as I wanted but its a start. Then after waking up every few hours last night I awoke this morning to get Indiana on the bus and have been up since. Rare for me I assure you. Then while Kate slept in I finished my movie (including the special features) and got it to the mailbox in time for the postman. I even got to talk to the Hubby a lot earlier than usual.  Which made getting up so early so worth it.

So now after having my tea and watching my DVR , just might get it all watched if I keep this "getting up early" thing going :) I am purposefully deciding to be present in my life and not just going through the motions. I will keep reminding myself that life is an adventure and try to enjoy it. And hopefully these next 4 months will fly by.

Monday, November 15, 2010

(doing my Happy Dance!!!)

OMG! Yay! It has been an absolutely fabulous afternoon and evening here in my house. When I overslept today it did not look like things would work out quite as well......

They moved the Hubby's flight up by 2 hours which he told me as I was napping. Big Mistake #1....set the alarm wrong and i overslept.  Then I had to get up rush around like mad to get pretty and make sure the kids were pretty too. Got outside with our signs and books for the car only to realise I locked the door with my soda and keys still sitting in the house (Big mistake #2 if your wondering) had to find the hide a key and get back in to retrieve necessary caffeine to wake me up and keys to drive. LOL. By this point we are only half an hour from plane touching down at the airport 45 min away and I have just realised we forgot the diaper bag for Kate (big mistake #3) and the camera (Big mistake #4). It is so amazing that we did not get a ticket or even pulled over as I drove like a mad woman, until we wit traffic and a median fire (not sure why the median was on fire, it was weird though)

Finally I make it to the airport having been praying for a delay in his landing as we were cutting it so close and I just could not stand the thought of being late to pick him up after he had been traveling for so long to get to me. We managed to park and got our signs and Kate in the stroller (as she has decided her feet were not made to walk on they are simply to look good) and take off for the terminal in  this ridiculous Phoebe esque run, managing to cut off 2 cars and run over Kate's sign with the stroller all in the middle of the road.

Get into the airport panting and probably not looking so pretty anymore. We start looking for baggage claim for the flight only to have Katy begin screaming for her Daddy (needless to say she had seen him coming down the escalator before we did), if not for her we would have walked right past him......

Poor Guy I jumped on him and did not want to let go. It was the most amazing hug and kiss you have ever seen, definitely romance movie worthy (oh my poor kids having to witness that). I had been nervous and worried for absolutely nothing, because it felt just like we had not been apart all these months and now the fights seem silly and we are happy.....

Although I will say it was really weird having a man in my bedroom again much less in my shower. LOL. I am really hoping he does not mind the girly things I did to our bedroom since he has been gone....

But anyways for right now I am blissfully happy, the kids are happy (no one was afraid of Daddy) and now as I right this I can hear the wonderful sweet sound of my Hubby snoring next to me. So maybe no cold feet tonight now that my foot warmer is home again.

Here is hoping the rest of this leave is as amazing as tonight has been (o:

Saturday, November 13, 2010


Ok, I am a terrible Blogger. I am not very good at all with keeping up sometimes. But it has yet again been pretty eventful in my world.

2 weeks ago, I lost my Granny (my Mom's Mom) and had to head back to AL for the funeral. It was truly sad in so many ways. I just do not understand why God needed her now. Why couldn't she have one last Christmas with us considering we had missed out on the last 20 with her. My kids had barely even gotten to meet her. Plus it really was nice reconnecting with her after all of that time apart. But now she is gone.

I have also been busy finishing my very first ever knitted blanket! I am so proud of myself....and it turned out gorgeous if i do say so myself.  Not bad considering it took 3 attempts and like a zillion stitches....maybe I am a knitter after all.

I also had to come up with and teach a craft all by myself to my MOPs group this past Wednesday. And I had conferences at school, and I had to have my big toenail removed (which hurt like hell).

Plus it is FINALLY getting to be time for R&R which means a ton of house cleaning (which included scrubbing carpets on my hands and knees since I do not have a carpet cleaner anymore) and  getting pretty (I need a manicure so bad and probably should shave my stems)....but man oh man am I nervous. It has been a very long and stressful 7 months and 4 days since he left. I am worried I have changed too much and that he will not like me or, that things just will not be the same between us...or that it will kill me when he leaves to go back. (Please excuse my completely bipolar moment there...) Its just a very odd feeling, to be so excited and to dread all at the same time.

So anywho, that is what I have been up to. So wish me luck for a Good R&R , please. I really do need it.

Maybe I wil have many funny stories to tell after R&R....LOL

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

another one bites the dust....

I am so excited. Today I checked another thing off my bucket list! And while it is a silly thing to have on there as I have been told, I am proud of myself none the less, LOL. I taught myself how to wolf whistle. And while I can not do it everytime yet, I have done it at least 10 times so I think it deserves to be checked off now.

This has been a fun summer for me as I have checked 2 things off in a short amount of time. The first one was learning to knit, and while I am not very good at it (considering I am now on my 3rd attempt at the same blanket) I now know how to do it.

Most of the things on my bucket list are small achievable goals....I like to be able to say I checked something off and these give me something to do in between the really big goals , like cliff jumping in Africa over the zambezi river gorge. As really who has tons of oppurtunities to check those huge things off our lists often.

My list was a lot smaller before my trip to Africa. But after making a trip like that and having so much fun, I thought of so many other things I still wanted to do. And while cliff jumping may be hard to top, I now have the courage to try almost anything. And am looking forward to topping the thrill of that jump.

That trip also made me realise that I really want to see the rest of the world while I am still young enough to enjoy it and remember it. I want my kids to have a life full of adventure. I want a life full of adventure too. When I die I want to say, and believe that I truly lived. And really deployments are the best time to work on your bucket list....

And in case you wondering here are a few things on my list:

  • Learn to do a headstand
  • see the pyramids in Egypt
  • learn to surf
  • see Australia
  • learn to crochet
  • make a dress all by myself
  • learn to speak French
  • master the art of eyeliner application
  • learn to walk in heels (and not look like a man in drag)
  • go skydiving
  • see the pacific ocean
  • swim with dolphins or maybe sharks, lol
  • get kissed at the top of the Eiffel Tower
  • learn to paint like picasso
  • learn to rock climb
  • see Morocco
  • ride on a camel
  • celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary
  • take a fabulous cross country adventure down route 66
  • learn ballet
  • drive a Race car
  • ride a burrow into the Grand Canyon
These are just some of mine....I am always adding more it seems. My goal is to never stop growing or learning. And to step outside my comfort zone as much as possible. But for now I am happy just finally learning that silly whistle. LOL. Hopefully by the time I ever reach NY City I will be able to hail a cab with it Carrie Bradshaw style :)

Ok, I am ready to find that next item I can check off....but until then I am just happy i finally figured out that whistle. LOL.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

I need help....(mentally of course)

Ok, so this week I have really been wondering what it is about human beings that we always want what we can not have. Why can we not be content with what we already have.

Take for example hair. In this case my hair. My whole life I have always wanted super long hair reminiscent of Brooke Shield's in Blue Lagoon. I of course have never succeeded in having this. Ever. I do not know what the allure is for me or why I am so hung up on this, but I am. I wish, and pray everyday that God would help me to be happy with the hair I can and do have. And some days I manage to do so.

This summer I felt like I was actually getting close to getting there....almost. But then I of course went in for a trim a few weeks ago only to have my hair transformed into a bizarre mullet shaped poof on my head. You just could not imagine my horror or the irrational disappointment I felt at the loss of my mane. I mean really I went completely hysterical for hours, days even. And while I realise how silly that is, I did. The worst part of the experience is that not only did it turn out badly, but it was uber expensive to boot. This bad cut precipitated yet another trip to the salon which caused yet more of my precious hair to be cut away from my head and more money to be spent. And of course I did all this mere weeks away from my Hubby coming home for R&R.......I just keep thinking, what if he hates it and feeling so guilty for spending all this money on it.

But anyways....back to the point. Why do we want what we can not have. Where do these deep seated feelings of inadequacy come from that plague us....did God create us this way or is it the devil chasing us planting these seeds of discontent. And if it is the devil how do we send him and his seeds packing? I have tried everything with myself. I remind myself that it could have been worse or I could have alopecia or cancer requiring chemo....I tell myself how lucky I am to have what I do. I try to fake it till I make it telling myself that its just my new rock star haircut and all I need is the right attitude to pull it off. But it is hard for me.

I realise that everything worth really having is worth the time it takes to get it. knitting has helped reinforce this for me lately, as I know that after all my hard work that once I finish my baby's blanket I will be so proud of what I have achieved. If only I could get my head to understand this logic with my hair. LOL. Or convince everyone with longer hair to cut theirs too.....

But one day at a time. It's a shame there is not a support group for insanely vain people like myself. Because my name is Mandie and I am vain.

Dear Lord, please do not hesitate to save me from myself. And forgive me my vanity, and please consider this haircut a step towards learning that lesson, and now give me patience to leave it alone until it grows back out. Let me never forget how lucky I already am and help me to remember this and be thankful to you! And please let my Hubby have the sense to never tell me what he may truly think of it when he sees it, or I will have to beg forgiveness for murdering him. Amen.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

a Happy Post....

So after yesterday's fairly dark post I thought I would tell you something good for a change.  Because really in the end I am not all doom and gloom, I swear.

This has actually been a pretty good week as far as learning to be more  independent. I fixed a clogged drain myself and rebuilt my mailbox post after it was hit by a car. I also asserted myself with our landlord. I have also made it about 10 inches into the blanket I am knitting....

I have seen my kids do some pretty funny things this week too. From Kate and her very entertaining dinner "lesson" (my son couldn't say blessing when we began this tradition) to my son informing the cashier tonight at the grocery store, when asked about the glitter on his head, that he had been attacked by the Tooth Fairy last night.

Another good thing about this week is that we have finally made it over the hump in this deployment. We are now 190 days in and hopefully it will all be down hill from here. Plus R&R is now only weeks away.

Plus I am ready to really let the past be the past and have been praying to find the help I need to do it. I know with God's help I can finally start to become the person he wants me to be :)

But for now I am gonna snuggle up on the couch with my toothless son and watch Iron man 2.....


So tonight I find myself alone and in bed as usual and maybe I have had a little too much wine with my Lay's potato chips and chick flick.

I am not one to wax on all nostalgic about high school, ever. As High school for me was horribly traumatic. But for some reason these last few months I find myself thinking about it. And the fact that some people never really escape it. They will forever be the head cheerleader or the prom queen or the jock. Or maybe even the nerd. I have tried so hard to change the person I was then, the one who let people hurt me and use me and mistreat me. The one who never told what was happening, or the one who tried desperately to make friends at all costs. And most days I really think I have. But today I realised that maybe I have not changed near as much as I tell myself.

Today my son was playing in his weekly soccer game. And while I sat on the chilly ground holding my 3 yr old and cheering like mad for a bunch of 8-10 yr old kids, I happened to over hear a conversation that I wish I never had. A man I did not recognise as one of our regular soccer dads began to say some really rude things about my son and his playing skills. And while he shut up after my son made an extraordinary kick, I never said anything to him regarding the way he had spoken of my son. I quietly ate my rage and didn't make a sound. Never once even letting on that I was the boy in question's mom. And now I realise that I should have said something, because my rage and inability to stand up to this jerk cost me a video of my son making a beautiful soccer kick and a little piece of my dignity.

I tend to come across as a really big witch sometimes. But I guess really in the end I am no different now than I was then, which is apparently that I am incapable of taking up for myself or even my son. My silly fear of offending all of the other parents I have to see three times a week or that I would become so mad as to make a large scene was just silly. I told myself I was taking the high road, just as I have always tried to do. But really I suppose I am just spineless. I have spent the better part of my life getting knocked down, by one bully or another. And not once in all my years at school did I ever stand up for myself or even tell in most cases.

And just to give you an idea of what my experience was in high school I want you to picture the movies Never been Kissed (starring Drew Barrymore) and Carrie (starring Sissy Spacek) and then throw in every demented 80's comedy about the high school underdog. It was horrific to say the least. I was tortured for the way I spoke or dressed. I was tied to chairs , teased to the point of understanding why the Columbine shooters did what they did. I was the outcast and the reject. The one that if you spoke to me you were basically committing social suicide. So I did not really have any friends at all. I was also naive in that I believed people could look past what others thought and might see the real me, only to be humiliated in the middle of a crowded homeroom as the boy of my dreams informed me I would have to be crazy to think he really liked me and that I should have just known he was playing a joke on me. I spent so many nights in high school praying for a break and crying for what had already happened.

However I now see that what happens to us then shapes who we are now. And even though I did not jump up today and defend my son to that perfectly idiotic stranger, I am a better person for what has happened in my past and for taking the high road. Maybe it seems uncharacteristically weak for me but I was just so shocked that I could not find the right words.

And after the summer I have had,  I have seen how some ladies never made it very far out of high school at all. I am glad for the fact I have changed enough to realise I do not need friends like that. Period. But also that maybe I do still need to work on standing up to jerks. Like I do in my dreams.

In my dreams I am a major force to be reckoned with, capable of laying the smack down on anyone who messes with me. I sometimes dream I am back in high school except this time I don't take any of the crap that flies my way, instead I find myself freakishly strong and quick witted. And while I find this dream always entertaining and empowering...I also know its unrealistic. So all I need now is a way to bridge the gap between hulk Mandie and super wuss. Maybe along the lines of Jerry the mouse, the perfect mix of quiet and cunning.

But hey we all need things to work on. And things to get over.  These are mine. And maybe the next time someone insults my kid I will manage to say something tactful yet menacing. Or at the very least stick my tongue out when he is not looking. LOL.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

pity party ....table for one

Tonight  I am sitting  here bemoaning this terrible life of mine.

 (OK I exaggerate). But seriously today is one of those days that makes you want to hunt Uncle Sam down and stab him multiple times and then run him over repeatedly with a really large gas guzzling SUV.....seriously.

It feels so unfair that my Hubby is still over there in that ridiculous god forsaken place, not only because I do not support this action we have undertaken, nor the fact I am a pacifist, but for the reason that I want him home with me.

I am so beyond sick of being alone. I am tired of going to bed alone. I am tired of doing everything alone. I even miss just having him sit on the love seat mindlessly staring at his stupid computer (something that honestly made me want to throw rocks at him when he was home). Tv is not as much fun when you have no one to discuss it with. Or at least someone to complain about its lack of authenticity with.

Plus not to be all TMI or anything I really really need to get laid. I have no idea what planet the powers that be live on that they think 7-8 months without sex is healthy for anyone. All I can say is its a really good thing that I am not the armed person in this relationship. I miss being hugged and held and especially kissed. And frankly I feel as if I might just lose my mind.

And I know that it sounds incredibly childish and even petty, but I get so incredibly jealous when I see or hear that someone else's husband is on his way home. I mean in my rational mind I know that they all did their time over there. Well most of them. The draw down really upset me because so many guys got to come home early. Not my Hubby, he is essential personnel and has to stay his full year. I know they have a mission to do, but nights like tonight I just want to scream . I mean all my brain keeps saying is "why are the soldiers the only ones who have to be gone for so long?" "Why couldn't we have joined the airforce instead, they are still only pulling 6 month deployments at most?"

But like i said in the beginning I can exagerate when I am sleep deprived and upset and I know that tomorrow is another day. And that I will wake up glad that we chose this life....well that is how it happens most days. LOL. I mean I am not a psychic, and can not guarantee that I will not wake up in a homicidal rage tomorrow morning hell bent on inflicting torture on the world (insert evil laugh here.....). But hopefully I won't. Because in the end this was the best decision for my family at the time that we made it. And i know that we will get through this too just like every other separation we have faced before....

But then oddly at the same time I am incredibly nervous for R&R.....what if everything is different. I mean we have been through so much already with this deployment. And this really is the longest we have ever had to be apart (we are really fortunate, I know, but doesn't help me right now. LOL) I just wish that even I could make some sense of the ridiculous stuff flying around in my head. It's such a paradox really; on the one hand I would do just about anything to have him home with me right now, but then at the same time I am worried . How much sense does that make. I feel so nuts.

So yeah, there is my pity party for one. And I am going to go ahead and give into it tonight now that the kids are in bed and Hubby is not up over there yet. I will give myself this brief hour to fall apart and be completely unhinged. I will pour myself a glass of wine and I will step outside and have a smoke. Then I will put my big girl panties back on and get on with life. I know that I can do this regardless of what is thrown at me. I will get up tomorrow and put one foot in front of the other and i will feed my kids and clean my house and I will survive. (Even though at this very moment it does not feel that way at all).

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


It's been a few days...Sorry.

But man oh man has it been crazy around here....

I had a fabulous visit with my sister and her family. We had so much fun. The beach was heavenly and practically perfect and every night we had a gorgeous full moon. We even went for a swim last Saturday night and it was just one of the most amazing things I have ever done. The moon was just so bright and the sky was gorgeous. And when i floated on my back it felt like I was floating through heaven itself. It was so calm and peaceful and beautiful. Until......I got stung by a pissed off jelly fish. Oy.

And my sister's mother in law Becky was even nice enough to teach me to knit....which is a lesson in patience every time i try to do it. LOL. So far I am not very good at it, but I vow to keep trying until I finish something. Anything. But it was something on my bucket list so I at least got to check that off.....Yay!

We also had a birthday party for my sweet Lil Girl. I really can not believe that she is already 3. Time has just flown by freakishly fast.

It was a little sad though this year, because this was the first time where she really gets what is going on and her Daddy had to miss it. And when I asked her this year what she wanted she asked for her Daddy. But she was just as happy with her Camel he sent and with the clothes and Doll that Becky and Amy got for her.

And since they went home it has been very eventful around the house here. Oy. Too eventful in fact. I really do hate the way everything seems to fall apart when the Hubby is away. The disposal clogged and caused the sink not to drain and then even made the dishwasher flood my kitchen floor. I almost needed a canoe it was so bad. Ugh. And of course that just had to happen right after I finally managed to get all of my laundry clean and put then i had a whole new load of towels to wash. Plus I am still being terrorized by the elusive rat I need to catch.

So anywho that is what I have been up to....but I guess now i will get back to that knitting. At this rate maybe I will finish by winter time, LOL.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

No more late night snacking for me.......

Holy Crap! I just saw a huge rat in my pantry!I did not know that Splinter had left NY for GA, I wonder if the Ninja Turtles are in there somewhere too? I mean I have known that something like that was around....I saw the evidence after I returned home from being gone all summer. And I have heard him in the walls, but oh Lordy I was not expecting that. All I wanted was some Froot Loops, and snacking is rare for me as me and food do not get along so well most I may never eat another  snack , ok I kid. But this just reminds me of how much I miss having my Hubby around. Because this is totally a "Man" job.....I mean I will set a trap, but then who is gonna take the thing to the garbage can....not me.

I usually try to look on the bright side of things and when I get real down about being here alone with the 2 demon spawn that call me Mommy, I remind myself of the things I am enjoying about this time apart.
  • Less laundry to wash and fold
  • I can get away with serving soup and sandwiches for dinner
  • my bed is not all destroyed when i wake up in the morning
  • nobody cares that I have not shaved in 3 days
  • NO Football!
  • I was able to go home for the summer
  • I can stay up as late as I want and not disturb anyone else
  • I can play loud music when I shower or clean
  • I do not have to share my bathroom ever! (except with trusted guests that I know will not pee on my seat)
And these are the things I have to remind myself about on the days that are rough, like today. Days where your feeling horrible and your foot is hurt because you fell off the rock climbing wall at the playground because you were wearing your butt firming shoes; and you know you can't just hide in bed all day because there are Mommy meetings to attend and care packages to be mailed and kids to shuttle and feed.....and rats to kill.  But hey we have almost made it half way through........and the kids are still alive.

Just remember it can always be worse and we are lucky it is not! So if your going through something similar get your list together and remind yourself of the silver lining.....

But seriously who is going to take the dead rat out after I murder it? help....

Monday, September 20, 2010

a Blast from the Past.....

Ok, so its not what you think at all, I swear.

Tonight I decided to work on some sewing projects that I had not completed in forever, figured I would check something off the ol' to do list. Not that my day was not productive mind you. As I did climb 178 steps up and back down in the Tybee Lighthouse, while wearing my butt firming shoes. But I really don't know, I just got the itch to do a lil' sewing.

Sewing to me is so many different things, it does not really feel like a chore most of the time and usually only makes me think of great childhood memories.

Like sitting with my MawMaw learning to sew a pillow by hand , how excited I was to get to do such a grown up thing. Listening to her talk of the days where all women got together for quilting bees,(and how she used to sit underneath the quilt they were making and tend to babies and play), and how her momma taught her to sew.  She would also talk of all the beautiful things her Mom had made for her and her many siblings over the years.  We would have some of our best talks while she was teaching me. And who know that it would turn into such a life long passion for me.

Sewing also brings to mind something my Mom has apologized to me many times for. The fact that when I was little and really wanted something like a Care Bear or Rainbow Brite and her horse Starlight, she had to make them for me, since they just could not afford things like that. She would buy pre printed pillow patterns that looked just like the dolls I so had to have and she would lovingly cut them out and sew them together and then stuff them for me. She always talks about how sad she was that she could not get me the real thing, but I still do not think she realises how beloved those pillows were to me, so much more then the real thing ever would have been. The fact that she would take the time to go to so much effort so that I could have what I wanted means a lot to me even still. So much so......

That tonight I happened to find myself sitting in the floor at my trusty sewing machine with my baby girl Kate making her replicas of my beloved pillows. We cut them out together and pinned them and then sewed them . Watching the joy in her face as she got to help me make them was priceless. She was so excited to see it take shape and then especially to stuff it with the fluffy white cotton. And then she just could not wait till they were all sewed up so she could hug and love on them. The whole time making them , I kept thinking, wow, what patience my Mom must have had to sit and make so many of them when I was small. Because in reality just the 2 we made were surprisingly difficult. But so worth it. I know so many people insist on making sure their kids have it so much better than they had. Not me.  I want my kids to know the joy of simple things made for them with love by a Mom who cares enough to do it and not just what could be bought at a store. I want them to see how much I love them the way my Mom did for me. She feels so bad she could not just buy the things I wanted, but really of all the tings I had as a kid the things my Mom made for me are the ones I remember the most.

Another thing I think of when I sew, is how I used to sit and watch in awe as My Granny (My Mom's Mom) could sew at lightning speed on her old fashioned Singer machine. The way she was quick and made it look so effortless. And how much fun it was to play in the scrap material and design things, that she would then sew for me. I literally could sit for hours and watch as she sewed pillow covers for couches and cars. It was truly amazing and some of my best memories with her.

I also hope that maybe I will be able to instill in Kate a love for sewing , too. I want her to have the kinds of memories that I have with both my Mom and my MawMaw. Plus really it can be a very useful skill.....whether you are making a pillow, hemming some pants or whipping out that MacGuyver style kit from your purse to sew a certain Sister's beloved work jacket , while sitting in a police station. Heck, I even had to sew a tent shut while in Africa last summer. It has been an invaluable tool for me over the years.  Seriously.

I also hope that my MawMaw will be around for a very long time to help teach Kate the wonderful things she taught me and to tell the wonderful stories (I nicknamed the "Little House" stories) about her childhood with no electricity , nor indoor plumbing. Stories that I worry will die with her as I just can not remember them all., LOL. Just thought that was funny, but I am corny that way. But hey I actually do feel very productive tonight, nothing makes me happier that to see something I made or painted myself  finished.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Ever wonder what happens after?

Ok, so tonight I maybe channeling a little Carrie Bradshaw, LOL. Having just seen my bootleg copy from Iraq of Sex and the City 2 , while lying in my bed wearing my gaudiest plastic jewelry and craziest hat...all I was missing was my cosmo :(

I have thought 2 things tonight while watching this.

1st this movie has made me wonder what life will be like after my kids are grown and out of my house....I mean I know that most days I dream of that as I am so frazzled and sleep deprived from taking care of my kids that I am just insane. But this movie actually made me appreciate the chaos that is my life. I just could not imagine living like Big and Carrie all alone day after day with only the 2 of them to talk to. All I could think was how lonely and quiet it must be to be like that. And while seeing Charlotte so stressed reminded me of me and how hard being a Mom truly is, I feel like she did at the end of the movie, happy to be with my family. And reminded of how truly blessed I am to have 2 beautiful kids and an awesomely wonderful hubby. (don't tell them though, wouldn't want them to get used to this side of me. Seriously, don't tell....) Because frankly it made me start to worry about what it will be like when it is just me and my Hubby alone together.....what if we drive each other nuts or just have nothing to say at all to each other. What if by then we have already said all there is to say. Because some days it seems like after the 13 yrs we have spent together that maybe we have already exhausted that fount. And to be honest change truly terrifies me, and I just can not imagine a time where my kids are gone and its going to be just us 2 again. LOL.

Luckily though we have both started to realise what work keeping the mystery and thrill alive is in a marriage, and have already started making steps towards strengthening our bond. And we have actually had some of the best conversations in years just in these past weeks . I no longer feel like an obligation or an item to be checked off of a to do list. I feel special and wanted again. And I am learning new things about him that make me want to talk to him and can not wait to be around him again.....hopefully when he gets home my irritating habits will seem quirky and cute again like they once did, and maybe his snoring will not make me want to rip the eardrums from my head, and maybe just maybe if we keep working at this in the 16 years we wait for our baby to grow up I will have no need to worry about life after babies .

and ok I said I thought 2 things.....well here is my second thought.

One should really not watch this movie alone. It is best watched with wonderful Girlfriend's , like my Friend Windy (who actually along with me and 3 other girls snuck out of church to see the 1st SATC movie). Unfortunately I no longer live near my beloved Windy who I miss terribly everyday....but I think it is time for me to start actively seeking some other forever friends. My Charlotte, Samantha, and Miranda.....the kinds of friends that you can see dressing up in pleather skirts and legwarmers well into your 70's with . The kind that you can trust to be there no matter what and you know would take your kids in a heartbeat. And while i have a few of them out there across the country, I am going to start looking for some where I am. My goal is to approach every new friendship with a completely open heart, and surely God will place the right friends into my life.
But i am no longer going to wait for them to find me, I am going to get out there and actually look, no matter how scared I am. Because at this point my fear of having no friends to go with me through the rest of my adult life scares me more. Probably scares the Hubby a little as well, as I am sure he will not want to spend every waking moment listening to my incurable talkativeness, my constant fears and rants. He is going to want others to help deal with me. Plus I do not feel it is fair in a marriage to expect the other to be your absolute everything....because then you do lose the mystery that keeps you wanting more. And I never want us to lose that, ever. 

And while I know I am sure to be hurt or even disappointed I swear I will not give up, I will not stop putting myself out there to make friends. Until I succeed. I will wear my heart on my sleeve and truck on, and if I get knocked down I will crawl right back up. (that is something I have started learning my on my own this summer after a really dreadful experience, but that is a whole another post all together)

And you know I would simply settle for an Ethel to my Lucy.....And a Hubby who will still adore me after all those years. So here is a toast to a bright and happy and adventurous life after kids. (grab that glass of wine and toast with me, I'll wait....)

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Finding my groove.....well at least trying to

Ok so while I realise I should have already found my deployment groove, I mean we are almost half way through for Pete's sake. LOL. But if you knew me you would expect me to be late on this and everything else. In fact there is a running gag in our family that I will be late for my own funeral. (My Mom actually wants to have it in her will that they purposely be 15 min late taking her to the funeral)

But anywho....I have not been posting the last few days as I have been in one of those evil assed down in the dump moods. The kind where you get on your own damn nerves. I was starting to think I would never shake it. So........

Last night I made the 1st step up out of my whole. I painted my nails Yellow, a nice bright happy yellow. The kind of yellow that makes you smile when you notice your nails. Unfortunately though I woke up the same cranky person i went to bed as. So......

Today I took a long nap and then decided to tackle my house that had not been deep cleaned since before I left for AL the first time almost 10 weeks ago. I dusted and scrubbed and vacuumed and washed laundry, just the whole works....I even fixed a toilet seat and a shower rod and replaced my cabinet knobs in the master bath.

Then I put my nice clean sheets back on my bed and decided to put a really pretty girly quilt on my bed . I also reorganized my room and made it more me and less us. I mean I know that this house is mine and my Hubby's together but one of the issues I had with this deployment was my jealousy at his having a space all his own whereas I did not. I kept imagining all the fun things I could do in his situation, whether it be all out high school musical or Hannah Montana bedding and fun posters of cheesy things like twilight. I imagines this whole dorm style thing that I never got to do because I have not been to college. So I got to thinking why couldn't i do that with my room too? At least till Hubby comes home. And I love this quilt an old family friend made it and it is made out all of her favorite old clothes, its unique and pretty and I really just like it. Plus it works with this whole Paris angle I seem to be taking in here, LOL.

Then to really get my mood up I decided to put the pink back into my hair. Because how can you be sad when you look in the mirror and have beautiful yellow nails and bright pink hair peeking out. And the peace of mind that your house is eat off the floor clean.

Plus I am now really looking forward to my Sister coming to visit next week with her MIL and Hubby. Finally.....some adult time! Plus I will finally get to do the sightseeing that I have not had time to do. Plus her MIL Becky has promised to teach me to knit! Something I have always wanted to learn how to do.

And hey if I learn it, then I can check something off of my Deployment Goals List, woot woot.

So maybe I am finally hitting my stride with this whole no hubby thing. So hey if your having issues dealing with your hubby being gone maybe try a few of these things I have done....might help, but even if it doesn't you will be in a bad mood in a very clean house with very pretty hair and nails, LOL.  Just go crazy and have fun with your room or maybe your whole house while Hubby is gone. Mine now looks like a 15 yr old girl moved in a took over and I just LOVE it!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

I love this song....and it seems perfect for me right this second....


Warning: I am sleep deprived and bitchy today so i may come off as much more harsh than I intend. But if I do not get this out here it may explode on someone else or something else......and as you will see I am sick of cleaning up , LOL.

Today is one of those days where I am so cranky, I even get on my own nerves. One of the days where I do not ever want to see another dirty diaper or cook another morsel of food. One of those where all I want to do is run for my life in the opposite direction of where I am.

I mean please do not get me wrong. I love my life. I love my kids and my Hubby. Really I do. But I am tired of my only purpose in life being to serve everyone else. To clean up after and to care for. I am sick of being a chef and a maid and a tutor and a chauffeur and an entertainer.

I wish I could trade places with my Hubby for a little while. Just long enough for us both to get a better understanding of what the other goes through. Because I know I do not know how hard this is on him, and I do not think he gets what this is like for me either. I mean from my perspective all I can think about is the fact he gets to pee by himself or never has to cook. And in my head I imagine that he is having all of these wonderful adventures that I will never get to experience. And that he actually gets to sleep on his off days where as it seems I never get an off day. Period.  I think of the wonderful (I use this term here very loosely) things he is missing out on such as potty training and bills and laundry and housework that never seem to end. I also envy the fact that he has a mission to complete,  a task to do that seems to have meaning and purpose. Where as a lot of days I feel completely purposeless. I feel like I will never get anywhere with my kids or anything else .  And I desperately want to leave a mark on this world, one that will survive long after I am gone.

Today I hate the army and this stupid war more than ever. I hate the fact that I have been left here all alone to be Mom and Dad with no one to help or take up the slack at all. I am sick of being on duty every minute of every day. To be the only one to do it all with no break ever. I really,  really am. And days like today I feel so trapped , trapped with no way out of this , no light at the end of the tunnel to see. It feels like this damn deployment will never end.

(I can be so melodramatic sometimes, sorry)

I know its not all that bad and I know that this is not my Hubby's fault and that he would be here if he could be. I also know that being a stay at home mom was something I chose. And while it is what I think is best for my kids, it is just not as fun as I thought it would be.

I wish I had some skill set to fall back on now, some way to find a job that would actually pay enough for daycare . I wish I could even get motivated enough by something to want to go back to school. I feel so adrift. And I have no idea what I should do .....

Luckily tomorrow is another day and I know that right now I am just tired and frustrated with my circumstances. And I also know that God will show me what he wants me to do when the time is right, I just need to be patient. And I need to learn to be content in both my life and the choices I have made.

So until I get there I am just going to fake it until I make it, and also I think I may start planning my getaway for when Hubby returns home. Maybe we can trade lives for just a few days ;) (a girl can dream, right)

Thursday, September 9, 2010

getting out there and making friends....

So like I said before I have a fear of rejection, which has come from years and years of being rejected by so called friends....but I decided to not give up and to try yet again, LOL.

A few years ago in DC a really nice friend signed me up for MOPs (Mom's of preschoolers) to help me pass the time my Hubby would be away at BNCOC. It turned out to be a blast! I loved having somewhere to go every 2 weeks and getting that one on one time with other Moms without my kids. It was nice to not have to say words like Potty and time out for 2 hours. Well last year during my son's little league baseball I met this really nice Mom from the other team who invited me to come to MOPs here in Savannah. I was nervous about putting myself out there but remembered what a good time it had been before so I went. And it was awesome!

So this year I decided to join the Steering team  and help run MOPs. Already I can tell that I am going to make some fabulous new friends and it is really nice having something to look forward too and work on while Hubby is gone. And you know I love anything creative so I am already enjoying making decorations for our meetings and helping with crafts. In gact you know I took pics of the centerpieces, LOL.

So I am really excited for this year in MOPs, I think we are going to have a fabulous time. And I might just come out of this with some friends. Fingers Crossed.

So I think any military wife should look for a group to join even if your hubby is home, because it really does help to have a support system of other women that you can trust. Sometimes that can be the FRG (has never been in my experience) or even a Bunko group, but just look for a way to put yourself out there and meet people no matter how uncomfortable it can be. And hey MOPs meets all around the world , so there is something you can try, here is their website

Now just wish me luck, I really could use some friends ..... :o)

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Today Just sucks....

Today my Grandaddy died. And I am stuck 400 miles away from my family and my Hubby is deployed. Such is the luck of an Army wife.

So tomorrow I will have to load up 2 pain in the butt kids and head back alone to AL. I dread it in the worst way you can imagine. I do not deal well with death or road trips.

I am so sad for my Daddy and my MawMaw the most. I am also sad for the rest of us....I mean I know he is better off. But it hurts.

I find myself wishing that I had gotten to know him better or spent more time with them. And most of all I regret not coming home more these last 9 years we have been in the army.

I feel very helpless and useless right now as there is nothing I can do for anybody else. And I feel that praying just isn't enough.

My grandparents had been married for 45 years and as far as I know other than a few guard drills over the years have never been apart. I can not imagine her pain right now. He will be so sorely missed.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Helpful Hints to stay close through deployment....

Ok so these are just some of the things we have done while he is gone....feel free to add anything you have done that I did not think of....

But one of the first things we had done, was we had pillowcases made that had the other's picture on it (and we posed like we were lying down in bed) so that we could still sleep together every night, lol. I also had a blanket made with our photos on it. So I could still snuggle with him.

We also (I say we, but I actually have no idea if he is doing it or not) keep daily journals where we write just a little something about what happened that day or just a simple "I Love You", and we plan to exchange them when he gets home.

I also try to send him thoughtful care packages pretty regularly and have included such things as his favorite snacks, magazines, a video game, t shirts and even a Tybee Island Magnet. I try to include little silly things that remind him of home and of me, and I also try to send him some of the creature comforts he can not purchase there at the PX.

But Skype is the greatest thing ever. The last time my hubby deployed we did not have this option. But with Skype I can at least IM with the hubby for a few minutes everyday and some times we get to video chat, which is fabulous for the kids.

And this may be a little TMI, but we also try to keep the sex life spicy by sending racy photos to each other. I have become a wiz with the self timer feature on my camera, LOL.

I also still try to write old fashioned letters when I can , as I love to receive mail from him when he is gone. I can be just a like a WWII bride waiting by the mail box sometimes.

But those are just a few of the things we have done so far....and I will add pics of the blankets and pillows if I ever figure out how.....

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The last 4 months...

Ok , So I guess I need to tell you about the last 4 months since my Hubby deployed. Because any military wife can tell you that once your husband is gone everything that can, will go wrong or break. That Murphy guy can be such an asshole sometimes. No joke.

Here is a list of the calamities that have befallen me during this deployment so far:

Right before he left (6 weeks in fact) I had to have an emergency hysterectomy and bladder surgery. So the weeks leading up to deployment were filled with dr's appointments, no sex and a lot of we did not even get off on the right foot this year. LOL.

The day I took my Hubby and his friend to deploy I received a hefty speeding ticket on my way home and while I do not usually believe in trying to get out of tickets, I did try that day. To no avail. He was not the least bit sympathetic to the crying woman with 2 kids and a long way to go to get home (I had , had to take him 4 hours across the state to Ft. Benning). He instead hit me with a reckless driving charge and a $250.00 ticket. I later got another notice that GA was charging me an additional $200.00 just to keep my driving privileges. Ugh.

Then my poor house has systematically been falling apart on light fixtures have blown up or just fell completely from the ceiling. My stove handle flew off one night (on a rare occasion that I actually tried to cook a real meal) while I was attempting to get dinner out of the oven. My ceiling sprang a leak, luckily right above my toilet. And my computer hard drive decided to commit hari kari  thus taking away my only real link to the universe and my hubby, and facilitating my crash course in computer repair. Which I successfully managed to do. Oh and just today I awoke to find my air conditioner had blown up. Good times I'm telling you, good times.

And then there are the car issues. Tags that needed to be transferred from VA to GA. Tires that needed to be replaced (and of course the lug key was awol) . I even had to drive for a few weeks with no registration.

Then there are the personal tragedies that always come along when your alone and don't have the luxury of breaking down to deal with them. My Lil' Sister lost a baby and my other Sister nearly lost a husband (who it turns out is really a pretty cool guy) all while I was here in GA 400 miles away. I felt so incredibly hopeless and useless. I was no help to anyone from here. And to top all of this off my Grandaddy is dying of melanoma. I was able to go home after the school year ended and spend a few precious weeks  with my family and I will treasure what time I had with him .

But all in all, this deployment has not destroyed me and I have already learned a lot about myself and what I am capable of. I mean sure there have been panic attacks along the way, but already I feel like a better stronger person than I was before. I have learned that I can put my Big Girl Panties on and take care of it. In fact CID's motto of "Do what needs to be done" has definitely pertained to me these last few months. Because in the end it has to be done and I am  the only one here to do it. I have cried while doing it, but it got done with no collateral damage. Plus I discovered that my Sister and I could have a semi normal relationship and that I even like her. And the apocalypse did not occur, like we always assumed it would if this were to happen. I also learned that you can go home....because in the end, family is all you have. Friends come and go but family is there.....and it helps if you can be friends with your family.

Here is a list of things I have learned since he has been gone:
  1. I can replace  a hard drive and rebuild a computer all by myself
  2. You can make one box of hamburger helper and freeze half and get 2 meals out of it
  3. I can survive and still smile on 2 hours of sleep for 3 days
  4. I can be independent
  5. I am Super Woman (just kidding, but I tell myself this all the time when things get crappy)
  6. A glass of wine , will instantly calm you and make everything your kids do bad just a little more entertaining
  7. I can drive 400 miles alone with kids and a cat and not have the urge to go on a homicidal rampage
  8. I can cook dinner, help with homework and chat on skype with the hubby all at once
  9. Yoga can save lives
  10. It's ok to ask for help
  11. And it's ok to put the kids to bed and just go nuts. Wether it be that you sit and cry or dance naked in the hall on the way to the shower.
But most of all I have realised this deployment will not kill me....I will Survive (feel free to sing along at the top of your lungs...)

this is me....

Ok I am going to start over and try this again....

My name is Mandie and I am an army wife, its kind of like AA in a way , in that you really do need a support group or maybe a sponsor to get through it. I should be good at this by now as I have been doing it for over 9 years .....but if anything,  things only  seem to get harder as we go on. Well except for I have become a pro at packing and moving and finding a house in just 2 days . However the important stuff, like making friends to hang out with or where to go to church elude me. And I am not really very good at putting myself out there to meet people. My fear of rejection can be overwhelming at times.

But life is usually either full on nuts or incredibly boring and you know what they say about idle hands and all. So while my hubby is deployed I think I need to find a way to occupy myself and hush the voices in my head , that does not involve drinking all the time. So this might work....

So here is a little about me. I am a stay at home Mommy by day , which is to say I am your average Domestic Goddess. You name it and I can do it pretty much, at least when it comes to running a household. I have learned minor home repair, culinary arts (I can name and cook at least 30 different soup and sandwich combos, lol), home decorating, tutoring, stain removal, hazardous waste removal. You know just the basics. I like random and weird things and collect tacky souvenirs, the cheesier the better. I like loud colors and pictures of my family (that is until I have to dust them all). I mean ,do not get me wrong I actually love to clean but hate dusting. I like comedies above all other movie genres . And sadly find the Disney channel freakishly entertaining. I do not keep clocks in my house as I do not like the idea of time chasing me around. And I watch way too much tv...

I have been trying to figure out how to deal with this deployment sooooo.....

The first thing I did was make a list of goals....although please take my own personal list for what it is and not overly seriously (I am sarcastic and dark by nature and most of these were meant in jest, I swear. )

So here was my list
  1. First and foremost Do not kill kids.
  2. Work on becoming an alcoholic so as to achieve the first and most important goal
  3. Remember to Eat
  4. Figure out what God would have me to learn from this sucky experience
  5. remember to smile at least once a day
  6. remember to ask for help
  7. try and make some friends no matter how much it may hurt
  8. have another drink
  9. and last of all and remember this is very important, DO NOT KILL Kids or anyone else if possible
Ok seriously that was the list I made, but I have tried to come up with some actual goals like watch every movie my hubby did not want to see with me or won an Oscar. And I try to watch at least 1 thing per week that I would not normally be inclined to watch. Another is to make myself get out of the house more and to try and think of adventurous things to do with my kids. As my natural inclination is to never leave my house which is not very fair to my kids and I fully want to take advantage of living on this beautiful beach.
And I think every wife's goals should actually be attainable and meaningful to them, rather than the usual "I will lose 30lbs" that I usually hear of people putting on their list. Or I will save 10, 000 dollars , not that saving money or losing weight are not good to do, but I think your goals should also be fun and in the end you can't take the money with you and I doubt anyone ever got to heaven and said "Well now I am glad I did not eat that last piece of cake ". 

I won't sugar coat deployment  or the army way of life for you though and I intend to tell it exactly like it is from my perspective. And for the record I am not your typical army wife or even typical wife material.  But maybe something I have to say will resonate somewhere with someone else who is tired of all the happy wife advice that gets put out there. Like my all time favorite thing....."Never let your Hubby see you struggle, always put on that happy face on the webcam and try to always be positive and upbeat, bad news will only make it worse for him". NOT. If I suddenly became like that my Hubby would think I had developed a drug habit, LOL.  Being in a war zone is hard (I assume, having never been there and only basing my opinion off what I see on CNN) but so is being the one left behind to be Mommy and Daddy, I mean at least my hubby gets to pee in peace without a 2 yr old staring at you with a puzzled expression and he does get the occasional day off. And I will not lie but some days around here make me wish that it was I who were in Iraq instead as the peace and quiet of war (said with sarcasm) would be so preferable to dealing with my kids.

I hope my blog will demystify how Army Wive's are portrayed or at the very least make you laugh.....or even help another army wife feel less alone.