Ch-ch-ch-changes....

"if nothing ever changed there would be no butterflies"
Walt Disney

Oh how true this is.....i saw this sign a few months ago in a Cracker Barrel gift shop, and had to have it. It was overpriced but something about it struck me.....

I have been thinking and worrying a lot the past few weeks about change. The deployment is almost over and I am getting nervous. I have changed a lot this year probably. I don't feel like the same girl he left.

What if he does not like the me I am now. What if he has changed, too. I mean how could he have not. Its been a long time. And what if I do not like the new him....

So what do we do now. How do we go about being together and minimizing conflict? How do I deal with whatever awkwardness there will inevitably be.

I have all these crazy irrational fears running through my head all the time and its driving me nuts. To the point that I have decided to seek a Dr's advice on how to deal with what I have been through and how to deal with what is coming up.  I hate to say that i have procrastinated on this too long, i let my fear keep me from looking for help.  I kept thinking I can do this on my own. But this week it just hit me that maybe i can't. That and just the stress of 2 kids on my own and a house falling down around me....i want to be at my own best when he gets here. I don't want my personal stuff to get in OUR way once he is home.

But really I am starting to think after talking with another good friend that has been there and done that and has the t-shirt, that maybe the army should make this more readily available and easier to get if your spouse deploys, not mandatory per se but maybe they should at least suggest this option a lil more.

And really how could counseling hurt.....it can only help I figure.

So wish me luck as I try to find someone who can see me soon and not in 3 months.....as was the case when i tried to get help for my son....

But I hope that all of these changes in me and in him will only help us. Its been a rough year and I'm ready for things to get to a new normal .  And I want to make my marriage even better than it has ever been. I hope he feels the same way.

Oy....

Warning: I am sleep deprived and bitchy today so i may come off as much more harsh than I intend. But if I do not get this out here it may explode on someone else or something else......and as you will see I am sick of cleaning up , LOL.



Today is one of those days where I am so cranky, I even get on my own nerves. One of the days where I do not ever want to see another dirty diaper or cook another morsel of food. One of those where all I want to do is run for my life in the opposite direction of where I am.

I mean please do not get me wrong. I love my life. I love my kids and my Hubby. Really I do. But I am tired of my only purpose in life being to serve everyone else. To clean up after and to care for. I am sick of being a chef and a maid and a tutor and a chauffeur and an entertainer.

I wish I could trade places with my Hubby for a little while. Just long enough for us both to get a better understanding of what the other goes through. Because I know I do not know how hard this is on him, and I do not think he gets what this is like for me either. I mean from my perspective all I can think about is the fact he gets to pee by himself or never has to cook. And in my head I imagine that he is having all of these wonderful adventures that I will never get to experience. And that he actually gets to sleep on his off days where as it seems I never get an off day. Period.  I think of the wonderful (I use this term here very loosely) things he is missing out on such as potty training and bills and laundry and housework that never seem to end. I also envy the fact that he has a mission to complete,  a task to do that seems to have meaning and purpose. Where as a lot of days I feel completely purposeless. I feel like I will never get anywhere with my kids or anything else .  And I desperately want to leave a mark on this world, one that will survive long after I am gone.

Today I hate the army and this stupid war more than ever. I hate the fact that I have been left here all alone to be Mom and Dad with no one to help or take up the slack at all. I am sick of being on duty every minute of every day. To be the only one to do it all with no break ever. I really,  really am. And days like today I feel so trapped , trapped with no way out of this , no light at the end of the tunnel to see. It feels like this damn deployment will never end.

(I can be so melodramatic sometimes, sorry)

I know its not all that bad and I know that this is not my Hubby's fault and that he would be here if he could be. I also know that being a stay at home mom was something I chose. And while it is what I think is best for my kids, it is just not as fun as I thought it would be.

I wish I had some skill set to fall back on now, some way to find a job that would actually pay enough for daycare . I wish I could even get motivated enough by something to want to go back to school. I feel so adrift. And I have no idea what I should do .....

Luckily tomorrow is another day and I know that right now I am just tired and frustrated with my circumstances. And I also know that God will show me what he wants me to do when the time is right, I just need to be patient. And I need to learn to be content in both my life and the choices I have made.

So until I get there I am just going to fake it until I make it, and also I think I may start planning my getaway for when Hubby returns home. Maybe we can trade lives for just a few days ;) (a girl can dream, right)

Helpful Hints to stay close through deployment....

Ok so these are just some of the things we have done while he is gone....feel free to add anything you have done that I did not think of....

But one of the first things we had done, was we had pillowcases made that had the other's picture on it (and we posed like we were lying down in bed) so that we could still sleep together every night, lol. I also had a blanket made with our photos on it. So I could still snuggle with him.

We also (I say we, but I actually have no idea if he is doing it or not) keep daily journals where we write just a little something about what happened that day or just a simple "I Love You", and we plan to exchange them when he gets home.

I also try to send him thoughtful care packages pretty regularly and have included such things as his favorite snacks, magazines, a video game, t shirts and even a Tybee Island Magnet. I try to include little silly things that remind him of home and of me, and I also try to send him some of the creature comforts he can not purchase there at the PX.

But Skype is the greatest thing ever. The last time my hubby deployed we did not have this option. But with Skype I can at least IM with the hubby for a few minutes everyday and some times we get to video chat, which is fabulous for the kids.

And this may be a little TMI, but we also try to keep the sex life spicy by sending racy photos to each other. I have become a wiz with the self timer feature on my camera, LOL.

I also still try to write old fashioned letters when I can , as I love to receive mail from him when he is gone. I can be just a like a WWII bride waiting by the mail box sometimes.

But those are just a few of the things we have done so far....and I will add pics of the blankets and pillows if I ever figure out how.....