Ch-ch-ch-changes....

"if nothing ever changed there would be no butterflies"
Walt Disney

Oh how true this is.....i saw this sign a few months ago in a Cracker Barrel gift shop, and had to have it. It was overpriced but something about it struck me.....

I have been thinking and worrying a lot the past few weeks about change. The deployment is almost over and I am getting nervous. I have changed a lot this year probably. I don't feel like the same girl he left.

What if he does not like the me I am now. What if he has changed, too. I mean how could he have not. Its been a long time. And what if I do not like the new him....

So what do we do now. How do we go about being together and minimizing conflict? How do I deal with whatever awkwardness there will inevitably be.

I have all these crazy irrational fears running through my head all the time and its driving me nuts. To the point that I have decided to seek a Dr's advice on how to deal with what I have been through and how to deal with what is coming up.  I hate to say that i have procrastinated on this too long, i let my fear keep me from looking for help.  I kept thinking I can do this on my own. But this week it just hit me that maybe i can't. That and just the stress of 2 kids on my own and a house falling down around me....i want to be at my own best when he gets here. I don't want my personal stuff to get in OUR way once he is home.

But really I am starting to think after talking with another good friend that has been there and done that and has the t-shirt, that maybe the army should make this more readily available and easier to get if your spouse deploys, not mandatory per se but maybe they should at least suggest this option a lil more.

And really how could counseling hurt.....it can only help I figure.

So wish me luck as I try to find someone who can see me soon and not in 3 months.....as was the case when i tried to get help for my son....

But I hope that all of these changes in me and in him will only help us. Its been a rough year and I'm ready for things to get to a new normal .  And I want to make my marriage even better than it has ever been. I hope he feels the same way.