Wednesday, October 27, 2010

another one bites the dust....

I am so excited. Today I checked another thing off my bucket list! And while it is a silly thing to have on there as I have been told, I am proud of myself none the less, LOL. I taught myself how to wolf whistle. And while I can not do it everytime yet, I have done it at least 10 times so I think it deserves to be checked off now.

This has been a fun summer for me as I have checked 2 things off in a short amount of time. The first one was learning to knit, and while I am not very good at it (considering I am now on my 3rd attempt at the same blanket) I now know how to do it.

Most of the things on my bucket list are small achievable goals....I like to be able to say I checked something off and these give me something to do in between the really big goals , like cliff jumping in Africa over the zambezi river gorge. As really who has tons of oppurtunities to check those huge things off our lists often.

My list was a lot smaller before my trip to Africa. But after making a trip like that and having so much fun, I thought of so many other things I still wanted to do. And while cliff jumping may be hard to top, I now have the courage to try almost anything. And am looking forward to topping the thrill of that jump.

That trip also made me realise that I really want to see the rest of the world while I am still young enough to enjoy it and remember it. I want my kids to have a life full of adventure. I want a life full of adventure too. When I die I want to say, and believe that I truly lived. And really deployments are the best time to work on your bucket list....

And in case you wondering here are a few things on my list:

  • Learn to do a headstand
  • see the pyramids in Egypt
  • learn to surf
  • see Australia
  • learn to crochet
  • make a dress all by myself
  • learn to speak French
  • master the art of eyeliner application
  • learn to walk in heels (and not look like a man in drag)
  • go skydiving
  • see the pacific ocean
  • swim with dolphins or maybe sharks, lol
  • get kissed at the top of the Eiffel Tower
  • learn to paint like picasso
  • learn to rock climb
  • see Morocco
  • ride on a camel
  • celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary
  • take a fabulous cross country adventure down route 66
  • learn ballet
  • drive a Race car
  • ride a burrow into the Grand Canyon
These are just some of mine....I am always adding more it seems. My goal is to never stop growing or learning. And to step outside my comfort zone as much as possible. But for now I am happy just finally learning that silly whistle. LOL. Hopefully by the time I ever reach NY City I will be able to hail a cab with it Carrie Bradshaw style :)

Ok, I am ready to find that next item I can check off....but until then I am just happy i finally figured out that whistle. LOL.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

I need help....(mentally of course)

Ok, so this week I have really been wondering what it is about human beings that we always want what we can not have. Why can we not be content with what we already have.

Take for example hair. In this case my hair. My whole life I have always wanted super long hair reminiscent of Brooke Shield's in Blue Lagoon. I of course have never succeeded in having this. Ever. I do not know what the allure is for me or why I am so hung up on this, but I am. I wish, and pray everyday that God would help me to be happy with the hair I can and do have. And some days I manage to do so.

This summer I felt like I was actually getting close to getting there....almost. But then I of course went in for a trim a few weeks ago only to have my hair transformed into a bizarre mullet shaped poof on my head. You just could not imagine my horror or the irrational disappointment I felt at the loss of my mane. I mean really I went completely hysterical for hours, days even. And while I realise how silly that is, I did. The worst part of the experience is that not only did it turn out badly, but it was uber expensive to boot. This bad cut precipitated yet another trip to the salon which caused yet more of my precious hair to be cut away from my head and more money to be spent. And of course I did all this mere weeks away from my Hubby coming home for R&R.......I just keep thinking, what if he hates it and feeling so guilty for spending all this money on it.

But anyways....back to the point. Why do we want what we can not have. Where do these deep seated feelings of inadequacy come from that plague us....did God create us this way or is it the devil chasing us planting these seeds of discontent. And if it is the devil how do we send him and his seeds packing? I have tried everything with myself. I remind myself that it could have been worse or I could have alopecia or cancer requiring chemo....I tell myself how lucky I am to have what I do. I try to fake it till I make it telling myself that its just my new rock star haircut and all I need is the right attitude to pull it off. But it is hard for me.

I realise that everything worth really having is worth the time it takes to get it. knitting has helped reinforce this for me lately, as I know that after all my hard work that once I finish my baby's blanket I will be so proud of what I have achieved. If only I could get my head to understand this logic with my hair. LOL. Or convince everyone with longer hair to cut theirs too.....

But one day at a time. It's a shame there is not a support group for insanely vain people like myself. Because my name is Mandie and I am vain.

Dear Lord, please do not hesitate to save me from myself. And forgive me my vanity, and please consider this haircut a step towards learning that lesson, and now give me patience to leave it alone until it grows back out. Let me never forget how lucky I already am and help me to remember this and be thankful to you! And please let my Hubby have the sense to never tell me what he may truly think of it when he sees it, or I will have to beg forgiveness for murdering him. Amen.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

a Happy Post....

So after yesterday's fairly dark post I thought I would tell you something good for a change.  Because really in the end I am not all doom and gloom, I swear.

This has actually been a pretty good week as far as learning to be more  independent. I fixed a clogged drain myself and rebuilt my mailbox post after it was hit by a car. I also asserted myself with our landlord. I have also made it about 10 inches into the blanket I am knitting....

I have seen my kids do some pretty funny things this week too. From Kate and her very entertaining dinner "lesson" (my son couldn't say blessing when we began this tradition) to my son informing the cashier tonight at the grocery store, when asked about the glitter on his head, that he had been attacked by the Tooth Fairy last night.

Another good thing about this week is that we have finally made it over the hump in this deployment. We are now 190 days in and hopefully it will all be down hill from here. Plus R&R is now only weeks away.

Plus I am ready to really let the past be the past and have been praying to find the help I need to do it. I know with God's help I can finally start to become the person he wants me to be :)

But for now I am gonna snuggle up on the couch with my toothless son and watch Iron man 2.....


So tonight I find myself alone and in bed as usual and maybe I have had a little too much wine with my Lay's potato chips and chick flick.

I am not one to wax on all nostalgic about high school, ever. As High school for me was horribly traumatic. But for some reason these last few months I find myself thinking about it. And the fact that some people never really escape it. They will forever be the head cheerleader or the prom queen or the jock. Or maybe even the nerd. I have tried so hard to change the person I was then, the one who let people hurt me and use me and mistreat me. The one who never told what was happening, or the one who tried desperately to make friends at all costs. And most days I really think I have. But today I realised that maybe I have not changed near as much as I tell myself.

Today my son was playing in his weekly soccer game. And while I sat on the chilly ground holding my 3 yr old and cheering like mad for a bunch of 8-10 yr old kids, I happened to over hear a conversation that I wish I never had. A man I did not recognise as one of our regular soccer dads began to say some really rude things about my son and his playing skills. And while he shut up after my son made an extraordinary kick, I never said anything to him regarding the way he had spoken of my son. I quietly ate my rage and didn't make a sound. Never once even letting on that I was the boy in question's mom. And now I realise that I should have said something, because my rage and inability to stand up to this jerk cost me a video of my son making a beautiful soccer kick and a little piece of my dignity.

I tend to come across as a really big witch sometimes. But I guess really in the end I am no different now than I was then, which is apparently that I am incapable of taking up for myself or even my son. My silly fear of offending all of the other parents I have to see three times a week or that I would become so mad as to make a large scene was just silly. I told myself I was taking the high road, just as I have always tried to do. But really I suppose I am just spineless. I have spent the better part of my life getting knocked down, by one bully or another. And not once in all my years at school did I ever stand up for myself or even tell in most cases.

And just to give you an idea of what my experience was in high school I want you to picture the movies Never been Kissed (starring Drew Barrymore) and Carrie (starring Sissy Spacek) and then throw in every demented 80's comedy about the high school underdog. It was horrific to say the least. I was tortured for the way I spoke or dressed. I was tied to chairs , teased to the point of understanding why the Columbine shooters did what they did. I was the outcast and the reject. The one that if you spoke to me you were basically committing social suicide. So I did not really have any friends at all. I was also naive in that I believed people could look past what others thought and might see the real me, only to be humiliated in the middle of a crowded homeroom as the boy of my dreams informed me I would have to be crazy to think he really liked me and that I should have just known he was playing a joke on me. I spent so many nights in high school praying for a break and crying for what had already happened.

However I now see that what happens to us then shapes who we are now. And even though I did not jump up today and defend my son to that perfectly idiotic stranger, I am a better person for what has happened in my past and for taking the high road. Maybe it seems uncharacteristically weak for me but I was just so shocked that I could not find the right words.

And after the summer I have had,  I have seen how some ladies never made it very far out of high school at all. I am glad for the fact I have changed enough to realise I do not need friends like that. Period. But also that maybe I do still need to work on standing up to jerks. Like I do in my dreams.

In my dreams I am a major force to be reckoned with, capable of laying the smack down on anyone who messes with me. I sometimes dream I am back in high school except this time I don't take any of the crap that flies my way, instead I find myself freakishly strong and quick witted. And while I find this dream always entertaining and empowering...I also know its unrealistic. So all I need now is a way to bridge the gap between hulk Mandie and super wuss. Maybe along the lines of Jerry the mouse, the perfect mix of quiet and cunning.

But hey we all need things to work on. And things to get over.  These are mine. And maybe the next time someone insults my kid I will manage to say something tactful yet menacing. Or at the very least stick my tongue out when he is not looking. LOL.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

pity party ....table for one

Tonight  I am sitting  here bemoaning this terrible life of mine.

 (OK I exaggerate). But seriously today is one of those days that makes you want to hunt Uncle Sam down and stab him multiple times and then run him over repeatedly with a really large gas guzzling SUV.....seriously.

It feels so unfair that my Hubby is still over there in that ridiculous god forsaken place, not only because I do not support this action we have undertaken, nor the fact I am a pacifist, but for the reason that I want him home with me.

I am so beyond sick of being alone. I am tired of going to bed alone. I am tired of doing everything alone. I even miss just having him sit on the love seat mindlessly staring at his stupid computer (something that honestly made me want to throw rocks at him when he was home). Tv is not as much fun when you have no one to discuss it with. Or at least someone to complain about its lack of authenticity with.

Plus not to be all TMI or anything I really really need to get laid. I have no idea what planet the powers that be live on that they think 7-8 months without sex is healthy for anyone. All I can say is its a really good thing that I am not the armed person in this relationship. I miss being hugged and held and especially kissed. And frankly I feel as if I might just lose my mind.

And I know that it sounds incredibly childish and even petty, but I get so incredibly jealous when I see or hear that someone else's husband is on his way home. I mean in my rational mind I know that they all did their time over there. Well most of them. The draw down really upset me because so many guys got to come home early. Not my Hubby, he is essential personnel and has to stay his full year. I know they have a mission to do, but nights like tonight I just want to scream . I mean all my brain keeps saying is "why are the soldiers the only ones who have to be gone for so long?" "Why couldn't we have joined the airforce instead, they are still only pulling 6 month deployments at most?"

But like i said in the beginning I can exagerate when I am sleep deprived and upset and I know that tomorrow is another day. And that I will wake up glad that we chose this life....well that is how it happens most days. LOL. I mean I am not a psychic, and can not guarantee that I will not wake up in a homicidal rage tomorrow morning hell bent on inflicting torture on the world (insert evil laugh here.....). But hopefully I won't. Because in the end this was the best decision for my family at the time that we made it. And i know that we will get through this too just like every other separation we have faced before....

But then oddly at the same time I am incredibly nervous for R&R.....what if everything is different. I mean we have been through so much already with this deployment. And this really is the longest we have ever had to be apart (we are really fortunate, I know, but doesn't help me right now. LOL) I just wish that even I could make some sense of the ridiculous stuff flying around in my head. It's such a paradox really; on the one hand I would do just about anything to have him home with me right now, but then at the same time I am worried . How much sense does that make. I feel so nuts.

So yeah, there is my pity party for one. And I am going to go ahead and give into it tonight now that the kids are in bed and Hubby is not up over there yet. I will give myself this brief hour to fall apart and be completely unhinged. I will pour myself a glass of wine and I will step outside and have a smoke. Then I will put my big girl panties back on and get on with life. I know that I can do this regardless of what is thrown at me. I will get up tomorrow and put one foot in front of the other and i will feed my kids and clean my house and I will survive. (Even though at this very moment it does not feel that way at all).

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


It's been a few days...Sorry.

But man oh man has it been crazy around here....

I had a fabulous visit with my sister and her family. We had so much fun. The beach was heavenly and practically perfect and every night we had a gorgeous full moon. We even went for a swim last Saturday night and it was just one of the most amazing things I have ever done. The moon was just so bright and the sky was gorgeous. And when i floated on my back it felt like I was floating through heaven itself. It was so calm and peaceful and beautiful. Until......I got stung by a pissed off jelly fish. Oy.

And my sister's mother in law Becky was even nice enough to teach me to knit....which is a lesson in patience every time i try to do it. LOL. So far I am not very good at it, but I vow to keep trying until I finish something. Anything. But it was something on my bucket list so I at least got to check that off.....Yay!

We also had a birthday party for my sweet Lil Girl. I really can not believe that she is already 3. Time has just flown by freakishly fast.

It was a little sad though this year, because this was the first time where she really gets what is going on and her Daddy had to miss it. And when I asked her this year what she wanted she asked for her Daddy. But she was just as happy with her Camel he sent and with the clothes and Doll that Becky and Amy got for her.

And since they went home it has been very eventful around the house here. Oy. Too eventful in fact. I really do hate the way everything seems to fall apart when the Hubby is away. The disposal clogged and caused the sink not to drain and then even made the dishwasher flood my kitchen floor. I almost needed a canoe it was so bad. Ugh. And of course that just had to happen right after I finally managed to get all of my laundry clean and put then i had a whole new load of towels to wash. Plus I am still being terrorized by the elusive rat I need to catch.

So anywho that is what I have been up to....but I guess now i will get back to that knitting. At this rate maybe I will finish by winter time, LOL.