Sunday, December 4, 2011

I can do this.....

So this week I had my first visit with the Nutritionist .....I weighed in at a whopping 116(but we concluded that 4-5 or so  of that was heavy winter clothing). But the Dr. was kind and seemed committed to helping me get better and there was no threat of inpatient care or condescention from her at all. In fact no one in the entire clinic made one single rude comment at all about me or my weight (like at previous Dr.'s offices). I mean I get that they do not mean the comments as an insult. "I wish I was as skinny as you..." or "I wish I just stopped eating when I was stressed...." is what I usually hear.

 But, no you do not wish that you were as as skinny as me. It hurts to be this thin. My bones dig into everything, the bed the couch .....everything. I used to love to sit on the floor. Now if I do that I get bruises from where my hip bones dug through my skin. I can rarely ever get comfortable anywhere anymore. I am always cold. I no longer have enough fat to keep me warm or enough of well anything to regulate my body temprature.....its ridiculous. My hair is falling out and my face has sunken in. Nobody wants to be like this.

I remember when I was heavier always thinking if I could just get to that magic number on the scale I would be happy with my body , like somehow how much I weighed would make me prettier, worthier more special and just better than I was. I even believed that being that number would make the cellulite disappear and my hair better or what have you that number was going to make everything better.....

Then I quit looking for numbers on a scale and started searching for that label number in my clothes. The one hollywood and magazines deemed perfect. That magic number that says you are the same size as that beautiful supermodel or famous actress......well, here I am that size. (I actually had someone at the dressing room in a store once say "this dress is hard to wear and doesn't look good on anyone, but it looks great on you because you are built like a model."  This for once did not make me happy.

I miss the days of having curves, and boobs and beautiful long healthy hair. I wish I could have realised then that I was fine the way I was, right then.  My vanity has done nothing more than cause me enormous grief.....and given me a mountain to climb. But inch by inch I am going to climb. Till I get back to what I was. Or as close to it as I can. No matter how foreign the concept of gaining weight to me is or no matter how my brain rebels against my attempts to get better.

I am worthy of this . I deserve to get better and to be healthy and just being me is enough. How I look really isn't important. And anyone who thinks so isn't worth having in my life....

So hear is to week one of my getting back to being me.
 Weight 112.

(not sucking in, just stretching up)

 My goals are to make sure I eat at least 4 times a day and to write it all down as well as to stop weighing myself.
Start seeing a therapist (1st appointment is next week)

So please pray for me. Getting to at least 120 could take awhile the Dr. said. And so far it is sooooo hard.