Warning: I am sleep deprived and bitchy today so i may come off as much more harsh than I intend. But if I do not get this out here it may explode on someone else or something else......and as you will see I am sick of cleaning up , LOL.
Today is one of those days where I am so cranky, I even get on my own nerves. One of the days where I do not ever want to see another dirty diaper or cook another morsel of food. One of those where all I want to do is run for my life in the opposite direction of where I am.
I mean please do not get me wrong. I love my life. I love my kids and my Hubby. Really I do. But I am tired of my only purpose in life being to serve everyone else. To clean up after and to care for. I am sick of being a chef and a maid and a tutor and a chauffeur and an entertainer.
I wish I could trade places with my Hubby for a little while. Just long enough for us both to get a better understanding of what the other goes through. Because I know I do not know how hard this is on him, and I do not think he gets what this is like for me either. I mean from my perspective all I can think about is the fact he gets to pee by himself or never has to cook. And in my head I imagine that he is having all of these wonderful adventures that I will never get to experience. And that he actually gets to sleep on his off days where as it seems I never get an off day. Period. I think of the wonderful (I use this term here very loosely) things he is missing out on such as potty training and bills and laundry and housework that never seem to end. I also envy the fact that he has a mission to complete, a task to do that seems to have meaning and purpose. Where as a lot of days I feel completely purposeless. I feel like I will never get anywhere with my kids or anything else . And I desperately want to leave a mark on this world, one that will survive long after I am gone.
Today I hate the army and this stupid war more than ever. I hate the fact that I have been left here all alone to be Mom and Dad with no one to help or take up the slack at all. I am sick of being on duty every minute of every day. To be the only one to do it all with no break ever. I really, really am. And days like today I feel so trapped , trapped with no way out of this , no light at the end of the tunnel to see. It feels like this damn deployment will never end.
(I can be so melodramatic sometimes, sorry)
I know its not all that bad and I know that this is not my Hubby's fault and that he would be here if he could be. I also know that being a stay at home mom was something I chose. And while it is what I think is best for my kids, it is just not as fun as I thought it would be.
I wish I had some skill set to fall back on now, some way to find a job that would actually pay enough for daycare . I wish I could even get motivated enough by something to want to go back to school. I feel so adrift. And I have no idea what I should do .....
Luckily tomorrow is another day and I know that right now I am just tired and frustrated with my circumstances. And I also know that God will show me what he wants me to do when the time is right, I just need to be patient. And I need to learn to be content in both my life and the choices I have made.
So until I get there I am just going to fake it until I make it, and also I think I may start planning my getaway for when Hubby returns home. Maybe we can trade lives for just a few days ;) (a girl can dream, right)