Ok, so tonight I maybe channeling a little Carrie Bradshaw, LOL. Having just seen my bootleg copy from Iraq of Sex and the City 2 , while lying in my bed wearing my gaudiest plastic jewelry and craziest hat...all I was missing was my cosmo :(
I have thought 2 things tonight while watching this.
1st this movie has made me wonder what life will be like after my kids are grown and out of my house....I mean I know that most days I dream of that as I am so frazzled and sleep deprived from taking care of my kids that I am just insane. But this movie actually made me appreciate the chaos that is my life. I just could not imagine living like Big and Carrie all alone day after day with only the 2 of them to talk to. All I could think was how lonely and quiet it must be to be like that. And while seeing Charlotte so stressed reminded me of me and how hard being a Mom truly is, I feel like she did at the end of the movie, happy to be with my family. And reminded of how truly blessed I am to have 2 beautiful kids and an awesomely wonderful hubby. (don't tell them though, wouldn't want them to get used to this side of me. Seriously, don't tell....) Because frankly it made me start to worry about what it will be like when it is just me and my Hubby alone together.....what if we drive each other nuts or just have nothing to say at all to each other. What if by then we have already said all there is to say. Because some days it seems like after the 13 yrs we have spent together that maybe we have already exhausted that fount. And to be honest change truly terrifies me, and I just can not imagine a time where my kids are gone and its going to be just us 2 again. LOL.
Luckily though we have both started to realise what work keeping the mystery and thrill alive is in a marriage, and have already started making steps towards strengthening our bond. And we have actually had some of the best conversations in years just in these past weeks . I no longer feel like an obligation or an item to be checked off of a to do list. I feel special and wanted again. And I am learning new things about him that make me want to talk to him and can not wait to be around him again.....hopefully when he gets home my irritating habits will seem quirky and cute again like they once did, and maybe his snoring will not make me want to rip the eardrums from my head, and maybe just maybe if we keep working at this in the 16 years we wait for our baby to grow up I will have no need to worry about life after babies .
and ok I said I thought 2 things.....well here is my second thought.
One should really not watch this movie alone. It is best watched with wonderful Girlfriend's , like my Friend Windy (who actually along with me and 3 other girls snuck out of church to see the 1st SATC movie). Unfortunately I no longer live near my beloved Windy who I miss terribly everyday....but I think it is time for me to start actively seeking some other forever friends. My Charlotte, Samantha, and Miranda.....the kinds of friends that you can see dressing up in pleather skirts and legwarmers well into your 70's with . The kind that you can trust to be there no matter what and you know would take your kids in a heartbeat. And while i have a few of them out there across the country, I am going to start looking for some where I am. My goal is to approach every new friendship with a completely open heart, and surely God will place the right friends into my life.
But i am no longer going to wait for them to find me, I am going to get out there and actually look, no matter how scared I am. Because at this point my fear of having no friends to go with me through the rest of my adult life scares me more. Probably scares the Hubby a little as well, as I am sure he will not want to spend every waking moment listening to my incurable talkativeness, my constant fears and rants. He is going to want others to help deal with me. Plus I do not feel it is fair in a marriage to expect the other to be your absolute everything....because then you do lose the mystery that keeps you wanting more. And I never want us to lose that, ever.
And while I know I am sure to be hurt or even disappointed I swear I will not give up, I will not stop putting myself out there to make friends. Until I succeed. I will wear my heart on my sleeve and truck on, and if I get knocked down I will crawl right back up. (that is something I have started learning my on my own this summer after a really dreadful experience, but that is a whole another post all together)
And you know I would simply settle for an Ethel to my Lucy.....And a Hubby who will still adore me after all those years. So here is a toast to a bright and happy and adventurous life after kids. (grab that glass of wine and toast with me, I'll wait....)