I can do this.....

So this week I had my first visit with the Nutritionist .....I weighed in at a whopping 116(but we concluded that 4-5 or so  of that was heavy winter clothing). But the Dr. was kind and seemed committed to helping me get better and there was no threat of inpatient care or condescention from her at all. In fact no one in the entire clinic made one single rude comment at all about me or my weight (like at previous Dr.'s offices). I mean I get that they do not mean the comments as an insult. "I wish I was as skinny as you..." or "I wish I just stopped eating when I was stressed...." is what I usually hear.

 But, no you do not wish that you were as as skinny as me. It hurts to be this thin. My bones dig into everything, the bed the couch .....everything. I used to love to sit on the floor. Now if I do that I get bruises from where my hip bones dug through my skin. I can rarely ever get comfortable anywhere anymore. I am always cold. I no longer have enough fat to keep me warm or enough of well anything to regulate my body temprature.....its ridiculous. My hair is falling out and my face has sunken in. Nobody wants to be like this.

I remember when I was heavier always thinking if I could just get to that magic number on the scale I would be happy with my body , like somehow how much I weighed would make me prettier, worthier more special and just better than I was. I even believed that being that number would make the cellulite disappear and my hair better or what have you that number was going to make everything better.....

Then I quit looking for numbers on a scale and started searching for that label number in my clothes. The one hollywood and magazines deemed perfect. That magic number that says you are the same size as that beautiful supermodel or famous actress......well, here I am that size. (I actually had someone at the dressing room in a store once say "this dress is hard to wear and doesn't look good on anyone, but it looks great on you because you are built like a model."  This for once did not make me happy.

I miss the days of having curves, and boobs and beautiful long healthy hair. I wish I could have realised then that I was fine the way I was, right then.  My vanity has done nothing more than cause me enormous grief.....and given me a mountain to climb. But inch by inch I am going to climb. Till I get back to what I was. Or as close to it as I can. No matter how foreign the concept of gaining weight to me is or no matter how my brain rebels against my attempts to get better.

I am worthy of this . I deserve to get better and to be healthy and just being me is enough. How I look really isn't important. And anyone who thinks so isn't worth having in my life....

So hear is to week one of my getting back to being me.
 Weight 112.

(not sucking in, just stretching up)

 My goals are to make sure I eat at least 4 times a day and to write it all down as well as to stop weighing myself.
Start seeing a therapist (1st appointment is next week)

So please pray for me. Getting to at least 120 could take awhile the Dr. said. And so far it is sooooo hard.

Moving Company update.....

Ok so here we are a month later since the claim was filed......

I found out today that the company has no intention at all of coming to see the broken items that we were told had to be kept. We have been storing them in a rental unit at 100.00 per month for 2 months....so now we have lost 200.00.

We would not have found this out had we not contacted them as they had no intention of letting us know either. Nice, very nice.

So now not only are we out the cost of the building, but we have  to now come up with a way to dispose of said items in storage by the first to avoid paying another month of rent on it....ugh.

This whole move has been incredibly ridiculous to say the least.

But there you go for those of you following the claims process for your own future PCS moves.....

broken....

Do you ever just feel broken? Or like maybe you just want to disappear or maybe hide under the covers and never come out until things are the way you want them to be, whether it be waiting on a bad haircut to grow out or acne to clear up or whatever is bothering you whatever is making you feel like you are just not enough that day?

I will not lie, I am a huge walking contradiction. I will be the first to tell you that everyone is beautiful simply because beauty comes from the inside and not from the outside. But for some reason I just can not see the same in myself. Ever, no matter how hard I try. (and please do not begin to compliment me as I am not fishing for that) In my rational brain I know that I am not a hideously disgusting creature on the level of Gollum....but my irrational brain takes over and drives me to pick out every ridiculous flaw in my figure or face...."You have a lump there or wow your rear is saggin today, or holy crap what have you done to your hair?" and I have found that my internal voice is cruel and merciless and it screams louder and louder at me some days......

I have tried everything in my own power to shut them up , i worked out till it became a problem,all in a vain attempt to firm the parts I deemed saggy. My OCD extends to every aspect of my life....I am always an all or nothing person, sadly. Go big or go home may not be my best motto anymore....hiding in my house on bad hair days is just silly and I made way to big a deal out of my acne for years.......I guess I never felt the inside was good enough and worried too much about the outside.

But I have just realised in the last few weeks the worst thing I have ever let the voices do to me. And it has harmed me the most and may be the biggest battle I ever fight with myself and it turns out I am one tough person to beat (But at the same time , to quote a friend, it's hard to decide who to root for). All those times I begged to disappear and to just no longer exist or to simply be invisible, I guess my subconscious was listening. I already had an issue with food bothering my stomach. Something Docs have been trying to figure out for years.....but in times of stress or pain, my brain would just shut down all cues for hunger or the need to eat. To the point that I now feel I may have a full blown eating disorder.

Wow...... you just do not know how hard that was to type much less how hard or humiliating it was to say to my Dr. or my friends and Hubby, to admit that I had allowed my mind to do something so crazy to my own body was just so embarrassing. Especially knowing this is the only body I will ever get........

My Hubby and some friends say that all i need to do is just eat a lil more and I will be fine....but I can not tell them how messed up my mind has become. That rationally I can look at a picture of myself or at myself in the mirror without clothes and see that I have become too thin and the plan seems so easy to follow........but then later when showering or dressing or something where the mirror isn't screaming at me, I look down at myself and see cellulite in places it shouldn't be or fat where I feel it shouldn't be. So I now know I must be sick. And I need help. Because who in their right mind could feel fat just as the size zero pants fall off ? Clearly I have lost it.

But please don't freak. I am actually seeking help as I type. I have begun seeing the Dr. I will start seeing a nutritionist and therapist as soon as they can fit me in and my PCM is awesome! And seems like she really wants to help me.

I am not really sure why I am even typing this out, other than getting this out makes me feel better. And maybe with prayer and these new dr's I can and will get through this. In one piece. On one hand I feel so weak and defeated already......but on the other I really think I can do this. And luckily I have good support in place and a friend who has been there. But I will not lie, the thought of purposely gaining weight is so scary. And against everything women are raised to believe they should do. But I want to look pretty and healthy again. Mostly healthy. And I want to be strong again.

I realise now I am more than my looks. I am learning to be a whole person. Not just a pretty girl, or Mom, or wife. I am learning to be Mandie. I am going after my dreams. And I want to be healthy enough to do it.



So please pray for me. I have realised I can not do this alone......

Finally......

I am finally unpacked. Every last ridiculous box is opened and gone through and put into its proper place. I am personally responsible for any hikes in Ikea stock and at Home Depot (your welcome if these are in your portfolio).

And for some reason it always feels a lil like I am in the witness relocation program every time we move, because everything is always so different. It seems we always end up with different furniture and different things, etc. And then I always then feel the need to change how I look as well, so of course I ran out and cut my hair all off and dyed it dark brown.

 So now when I look in the mirror it feels weird and then when i come home it feels weird, lol. It always takes so much getting used to.

But I have pics of the new house for those who want to see =) I won't show them all so as not to bore anyone....but here you go. Otherwise ignore my blatant bragging and scroll down.....

It is beyond cute and in the cutest lil neighborhood!

I repainted the kitchen and even put down a new renter friendly temp floor (feel free to ask me how:)

fully decorated

Living and dining room....please ignore the purse, lol

The Living room

My mom will be proud, I finally hung a clock....but who could resist Rainbow Brite?

My bedroom, opted for a change with do it yourself purple nightstands, mine is a lil girly and his a lil more masculine, the lamp shades are actually a really pretty green background with white leaf pattern (I pulled a lot of green in this time for the hubs, it is in the curtains and lampshades)

I just had to have this , it was just too much fun to pass up!

It stores shoes and has my dream travel bucket list on it....i decided to take a new trunk and make it look a lil more traveled and vintagey with vintage travel labels reminiscent of a more glamorous age of travel =)

My hubby gave me my own dressing area worthy of an old Hollywood movie star :)

I even get my own girly bathroom and walk in closet, what more could a girl want?

The boy side of the room

The Girl side

Our powder room had travel themed wall paper , so where better to place all of our travel souvenirs? and Pictures?

and anyone who knows me knows I loveeeee my pics of family and friends and need to have them close, so of course there is the wall of fame :)

and last but not least the toy room in the basement =)

And now things have finally settled down here a bit and it is finally feeling like home (I actually started this particular blog a few weeks ago) it still feels weird. I feel weird. I keep hoping I will find my groove and get over the loss of my hair. Or at least learn to style it without it taking a frakking hour everytime.....but this week I am in a funk. 

But the move and the stress took their toll on me. It brought up issues and personal demons I thought I had been over and gotten past.....luckily though I am in the process of looking for new dr's (although so far the 2 I have seen have not been impressive, here is hoping number 3 can help) And hopefully my son can get the help he needs as well. So we will see....but some days are such a struggle for me to maintain it all together.

And I did get to visit Savannah last week which was wonderful, but now I miss certain people and things even more than I did before.....I even got to sing my favorite song in the choir! (a big thank you to Nathan!)

Oh and another update on the movers reimbursing us. We are now almost 2 months out and are still waiting on them to come and finish taking pictures of the damaged goods :( ......oy. So I plan on annoying the daylights out of them come tomorrow morning.

But okie dokie.....i will finally shut up for now, lol.  Muah! <3 you all!

Update.....

So just a quick update on the whole claims process (by the way we have already been storing the broken stuff for almost 2 months) . They called , finally, to schedule the time to come out and take pictures of the broken things. Hubby let them know in advance the items were in 2 separate locations and was told it would not be an issue.

So he played phone tag for 2 days to get the appointment scheduled. They settled on 7-10 am on a Friday morning. The man showed up barely looked at broken items and took a few pics, did not want to see my pictures at all. Then when asked if he would then be going to the storage facility for the rest of the pictures he said that he would not, that we would need to reschedule another appointment for that. Which infuriated me as it took us 3 weeks to get them out the 1st time, what if it takes another 3 weeks >.< that will be another month at 100.00 I have to pay to store broken crap! Plus now we are back to playing phone tag for an appointment at all.......

So there you have it. The joys of trying to get reimbursed for your damaged household goods when you let the army move your things. Which of course is what they all recommend so that you are protected in the event something like this happens........(face palm)

The countdown begins....

Ok so the paperwork is in.....we finally managed to get into the impenetrable website to file the claim on the damaged furniture.

Hopefully it was filed correctly since the movers very ninja like took the master copy of the damaged items they had had me write with them....so we shall see. But I thought I would document just how long it took for reimbursement so that any newbies could see what this is all like from start to finish.

So here we are at day one. We have at least been notified the claim was received. I will update as soon as we hear something :o)

Wish us luck.....
Oh and please say a prayer for me, my clumsy butt tripped out the back door last night and sprained my ankle pretty badly. So now imagine a 4 story house and me on crutches , which by the way bruise your armpits......and of course I had to go to the ER with hairy legs to boot.....

Oh the Joys of an Army Move

Ok, so once again it has been a while, but you try blogging from a lil tiny cell phone since it took Verizon over a month to get my internet installed. >.< And that is just the tip of the iceberg with this particular PCS (or in layman's terms army move). This one has been, by far the most trying both on my nerves and marriage as well as my family.

I was right to be worried about my belongings they just simply tossed into the moving truck during Hurricane Irene in Savannah, as most of it came off the truck here in lil tiny pieces. I have the pics to prove it, lol. Not to mention the brand new sleeper sofa and love seat (the first nice pieces of furniture we have ever bought in our 10 years of being in the army) were still wet when they unwrapped them. So who knows what sort of mold is growing in the cushions now. And they tore the cushions and sides.  So now I am paying out of pocket for a storage building to House all of these broken things , since you are not allowed to get rid of them until the claim adjusters see them all.

Well we thought ok, this means the army will have to buy us new things. Well oh my, how things have changed since our last move as far as the process is concerned to file a claim to get reimbursement. You used to be able to file an immediate claim with the delivering company for the items they saw were broken and then a separate claim later for broken items you unpacked out of your boxes. You can not do that now. It must all be one claim filed to a website that we could not even access. Brilliant, huh. If you ask me, it seems as though the Military has done this on purpose so as to get out of paying for your stuff their movers break....yet if you move your own things they do not reimburse enough to cover the move, hmmmmmm. So you're over a barrel metaphorically speaking. Not to mention the movers had me write down all of the broken items on a sheet, only to very sneakily take that sheet with them when they left, thus leaving me to try and decipher the hieroglyphics on the packing sheets to figure out item numbers, etc needed to file said claim. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Plus since my property changed hands through 3 different companies there is going to be a fight over who has to pay. That should be fun and long drawn out, thus extending the amount of time i have to pay for that expansive stotage unit.....good times all the way around people.

(Hubby's dresser, or was at one point)

(my dresser was so broken they were afraid to unwrap it all the way for fear they would get injured moving it, they would not even take it in the house)

(was a cute pink dresser, that is of course discontinued now)

(brand new dvd cabinet)

(nice huh)

(the dark spots are where it is still wet....and they were all over both pieces)

(this does not even include the pics of the little things they did, like packing fragile things at the bottom of boxes and then placing heavy items on top , thus crushing or destroying them, this was just the furniture, awesome isn't it)

I am so ready to go on a homicidal rampage that lands me on CNN it is not funny. The only thing holding me back is I need my hair done so that I would at least look pretty in my mugshots......because I so do not want one of those Nick Nolte or Lindsay Lohan type shots making the news.

Unpacking has been impossible up until this point which is driving me nuts since we had no furniture to put things in, and I am one of those that usually knocks this out in 4 days tops.....so the chaos is more than my meds can handle for sure....so my poor Hubby has had to see my constant meltdowns which are driving him to the point of wanting a divorce I am sure. It has been awful. No other way to describe it. Poor guy.

Plus just finding a house up here was a lot harder than we had anticipated it would be, and so was getting my son enrolled in school. So double Grrrrrrrrrrr.

I have tried to stay positive, but frankly I feel I am hanging off a cliff by the end of a shredding rope about to fall and I am not even sure I do not want to.

There has been some good things though, so do not let it seem like I am forgetting all of the blessings in my life, we did finally find a lovely , yet insanely quirky house. But it is well below what the army is giving us for housing, so Yay for that. And we still have our good friends the Queen's here, who have welcomed us like family and have allowed us into their home for meals and internet usage, not to mention that Windy has allowed us to take dance classes. Which dancing much like singing (in that I am not very good at either) calms me and makes me feel alive.

Moving is so hard as it is, without all of this added stress happening to us too, it is beyond frustrating. I miss all of my Savannah friends so , so much. And missing all of the lovely things going on out by my old house this time of year only makes me want to cry more. T.T

This move is costing us so much money and I have no idea when i will see any of it back.....Hubby's job also cost us money as they were supposed to supply vouchers to cover his transportation to work when we arrived, but of course for the first few weeks that office was closed and we had to cover it (and of course they do not reimburse, gotta love the army) and then the new furniture and just your basic moving things, and we are still fighting with the previous landlord to secure the rest of our deposit simply because I am sure she is the devil reincarnated.....

But I guess I will end my rant for now.....thanks for letting me get it all out as this keeps me from unleashing on any undeserving parties, i.e. my Hubby,kids or the mailman.  LOL.

And hey if I turn up on CNN now you will know why.....but I promise to avoid the pawn shops and gun stores for at least another few weeks.....and then there is the mandatory waiting periods anyways.

Moving......again

It is that time again....the time most Army wives either LOVE or absolutely HATE. I HATE IT! With a passion. I think now part of it is because of the Aspergers (it makes it very hard on me to deal with change) and part of it is because, by the time it is time to go , which usually for us is about every 2 years,  I have just settled in and made friends and a life. And then BLAM-O , Uncle Sam says it is time to go ....again.

Just the process of watching strangers touching my things and putting it into boxes and then not knowing where it is going to be , kills me. I may not have fabulous or expensive stuff not it is my stuff. You know. Hence the panic attacks that begin weeks in advance just thinking about these events......and then the day of the actual loading turned out to be our turn with the lovely Hurricane Irene. I of course was completely all alone at the house with the movers (and strangers make me nervous) and just as they are loading my Granny's antiques onto the truck the bottom fell out and we began to get a downpour of sideways rain....so my furniture was getting wet, the boxes on the porch were getting wet, etc.  Needless to say the movers began to just throw my things onto the truck or into my house.....which made me really freak. And I was all ALONE! Oy, the joys of being an Army Wife......they then decided to leave and come back another day as they could not risk getting flooded onto the island overnight. Which of course pushed back our clear out date with the landlord from hell. Good times all around. So I of course put my big girl panties on, sat at the table took my meds and opened the new bottle of wine. And then allowed myself to bawl like a baby for 10 min. Then I said to hell with it all and got to cleaning what could be cleaned and moved on with life.

But thank you Baby Jesus for wonderful friends! They took us in that night (well basically forced us in, as I was going to ride it out on Tybee) and we all went bowling and had a fabulous night......till I made one of my famous cartoon like falls , which of course ended with me and Beks hangin at the ER all night long and me with a nasty concussion....but I did get up and walk it off for the sake of the kids and not ruining their night. My game suffered a lil, but all in all it was a blast. And you know I love to be the center of attention.....especially if I can make someone laugh doing it.

I made some amazing friends in Savannah and I will miss them more than words can ever say. They were my family when my Hubby deployed and when my family members were dying.....or when I needed someone to whine to or when I needed somewhere to go and clean to relieve stress. They gave me hugs and support and shook me out of my shell. They loved me inspite of me being me. There was nothing they would not do for me and vice versa.  I think now that I am gone, God put me there because he knew that I would need all of that while Brandon was gone and that I would need to be close to my family during such a painful year. And while I am so sad to see it end.....I can truly smile because it happened and I know that those friends I made are the kind that are more like family or or that one high school photo your Mom pulls out all the time...you will never be able to get rid of them....but why would I ever want to. In fact I fully intend to drive back and kidnap them if they do not visit really soon.....just saying. (Might want to warn your hubby's that their is a crazy wild woman who may steal you from your beds one night......duh duh duhhhhhhhhh, lol) At the very least I plan to facebook stalk you all. I hope you all know just what you mean to me....and oh how I will miss singing in the choir. Nathan and the FBCI choir literally helped me find a voice and gave me courage to sing onstage.....Sundays will not be the same without you all.

The drive up to DC was not without it's own calamities...but it would not be us if it all worked out , now would it....lol. But the Great Wolf Lodge in Williamsburg was a perfectly timed just needed oasis in the middle of this craziness.....so if you ever get a chance go there. Best service ever and it was so much fun for all of us.

But we are now back in lovely DC....and literally within the 1st 10 min of being in the hotel i set the smoke alarm off (apparently 73 in VA is way colder than 73 in Tybee) by using the heater.....and house hunting has been pretty unsuccessful. But we did get the most amazing reception from our family/friends here in VA and my baby girl took her first ballet class today! And apparently she rocked at it, but the teacher is her Godmother and maybe a lil biased, lol. But she looked gorgeous doing it so I am one happy Momma! And Indiana begins break dancing classes on Thursday :)  and i too get to take classes, yippee so while a lot of things make me want to crawl under the itchy uncomfy hotel bedding and hide till hell freezes over once again great friends know just how to pull me out and make me function.

So now please just pray we find a house asap! And a church looking for a new choir member..... I think prayers are all that has gotten us through these last few weeks so THANK YOU! Hugs and kisses to you all. And I miss you .

(143)

A.R.K......

I <3 the movie Evan Almighty and truly do hope that God is just as Morgan Freeman portrays him.....but there is one scene that I just love; and while I have always tried to do what I can for whoever I can, I think this is just awesome!

It is so true....and I think everyone should really get out there everyday and do one random act of kindness for a complete stranger , or someone you know and then just run away. It is so much cooler if you don't wait around to get thanked (although it is ok to hide somewhere they can't see you if you want to see the look on their faces when they see what you have done, lol) .  It doesn't have to be some huge act or an expensive act...it can be something small. In fact I think some small kindnesses such as a smile and an understanding nod to the mom in the grocery aisle dealing with a cranky toddler go a long way. And when i used to live in DC, I liked to randomly hand out metro passes to the people asking for loose change at the stations. And sometimes I like to just show up to a friend's house and clean it for them (bonus points if I can sneak in while they are not home and get it done, all ninja like, LOL) .

I think my gift in life that God has given me is service, as I love to help. I am the one who genuinely enjoys cleaning up after a MOPs meeting or taking a friend a meal and I do truly love being able to help people. And to follow another saying I once heard, "The purpose of life is to find your gift, the meaning of life is to give it away", that is what I try to do. And sometimes I probably come on too strong , but it really is with the best of intentions, I swear. I may not ever be able to make some huge mark in this world, but hopefully I can make a whole bunch of lil ones. The kind people remember for a while with fondness, you know.

Another thing I challenge people to do is do something silly at least once a day. I find completely random acts of silliness to be the most fun things ever! One of my personal faves is to put on my pink wig and go out in public somewhere, like to the mall. Watching people fight the urge to smile or even laugh at me is so hilarious, and trying to do it all with a straight face like it is completely natural for me to be wearing pink hair is so much fun. (You get bonus points if you do this one with your very conservative friends in tow, hehe). I also like to make random silly faces at other people's kids, especially when their parents are not looking, I get some very funny reactions. I have learned however not to do that to my son's classroom without the teacher knowing.....otherwise you have a classroom of kids getting into trouble and it's all your fault. But if these do not suit you there are hundreds of random silly things you can do, I also like to dance and sing to the music in grocery stores, or skip through the mall, or dance and sing at the top of my lungs while driving down the road (bonus points if people stare at you like you have lost your mind) , I also like to wear crazy loud pajamas out in public or pink frilly tutu's , anything to illicit a smile from some random passerby or even just a WTH look. And I highly recommend any of you try one of these things too. There is something to be said for being silly. It keeps you young and I even read once that couples who do silly things together stay together longer, lol.

And one last thing.....I think people should do something at least once in a while (I personally shoot for once a month) that scares them.....It is exhilarating and liberating. And I always feel just a lil bit braver and stronger as a person after each time.

So hey just some thoughts, and maybe some challenges for you guys......because just think of how amazing it would be if  every single person we knew did one random nice thing for someone they didn't know every day . Just saying =)

...................................I'm back

I am just not even going to apologize for being a bad blogger, I mean what good would it do to explain how busy we have been with this funeral or that one or this surgery or that friend moving or whatever else was going on, etc etc etc......plus lets face it sometimes I just do not know how to put into words the goofy stuff running around my head like crazed lil monsters on crank.

I will say though we have had an interesting albeit sad summer .....

I turned 31! Woohoo, I had all these grand hopes for redoing my 30th birthday party since the Hubs had missed mine and it was so important to me, but life got in the way. I did however get to go out one Saturday night (complete in 70's boho hippy costume, right down to the fringed boots that made my sis cringe, lol) with my Sister and her Hubby and my Hubby and we all had a blast and sang karaoke and watched the guys try their hand at beer pong. My hubby had never sang before in front of anyone so as a gift to me he sang in front of everyone for the very first time ever, my sister also got up their and sang! it was the best gifts ever! But on a somber note, I spent my 31st birthday standing in a cemetery looking at a funeral that only 15 or so people attended......my biggest fear in life is that that will be me. I pray that I can go out everyday and show Christ's love to all I meet and touch as many lives as possible. When I die I want people to, not feel sad, but remember the small kindnesses I tried to offer and the love I felt.....I want my life to matter, I want to leave a mark. I want to touch lives , as many lives as I can before I go.

I also got to see my son get Baptised this summer and that was a very moving event all in itself! And it was so lovely to do it at home with all of our family there as well. I know it meant a lot to my Dad and Mom as well as Indiana.

 And in following my commitment to myself to do something that scares me once a month I actually stood up in front of my home church and sang a Capella ....but at least I did not throw up or faint....(last month, I cut all my hair off, who knows what I will do next....)

I also was privileged to attend the MOPs Intl. Convention this year in Nashville TN (insert thick southern accent here) It was an adventure to be sure just getting there for me, I missed my first flight and arrived too late for the shuttle. But I got to cross another item off my bucket list! I took a cab for the first time ever, and that was very cool. But it was an amazing time with amazing friends. We had great worship and fellowship and heard wonderfully insightful speakers  . And I learned that during Shakespeare's time people used more than 54000 words and now days we only use 3000....so a kid back then would have been smarter than a college professor these days, lol. So sad. We also got to be the first to screen the new movie from Shiloh Baptist church (who made Fireproof and facing the Giants) called Courageous. It was a fantastic movie and I really think you should all go and see it! But wow what a weekend. It was so nice to get that break and be with all those great ladies , I can't wait till I go back next year!

But this summer has also been full of panic attack inducing changes.....I have seen 3 friends move and it really drove home the stress and anxiety of our own upcoming move.....not that I am disappointed about going back to Dc, as I know it will be a great opportunity for our family, especially Brandon and lil Katy (she has been practicing her twirling and dancing for months in preparation for her new dance class she will be attending, thanks to Mama Windy). But it is always so hard to leave friends, and I have made some really great ones here who have really gotten me through a lot of hard times. They have been there through deployment and deaths, and days where I just couldn't do it on my own, they have given me a place to serve and be served. They have loved me even when i thought I was a complete unlovable mess....they have overlooked my eccentricities and penchant for never getting dressed. The have lifted me up in prayer and have just loved on me. And leaving them is going to be hard. I thought I would miss the beach the most or the laid back way of life but when it comes down to it, my church family and MOPs ladies are what I will miss the most. But I know that I-95 will bring me straight back and I will be making many mini trips back for my friend fix now that I have a fuel efficient hybrid =), lol. Well at least till they get sick of me.

But I am looking forward to reconnecting with old friends in DC and finding a MOPs group their who needs someone like me to serve....and like Walt says " if nothing ever changed their would be no butterflies" so change is something I need to work on adjusting too....although (not to toot my own horn , but TOOT!) I think I have done very well this time around, usually my pre move freak outs begin 3-4 months in advance, this one only started a few weeks in advance and has been really mild to say the least....I guess we should thank modern medicine and my lil crazy pills as a friend calls them, lol. I am not, however, looking forward to this winter.....dear Lord please let their be no snow this winter in DC, please bring on all of that global warming I am always hearing about.

But to be honest the one big reason I have not written in a while is that I had something I have been struggling with personally and could not decide how to discuss it or whether or not I even should....but it has been weighing on my heart and I just need to get it out. A few months ago I mentioned that I would seek help from a therapist....well I did....and in the process of getting myself and my son tested to see what was up with Indiana (I agreed to do everything he had to do so as to make him comfortable) I was diagnosed as having Aspberger's Syndrome, as was Indiana. As well as some other things. I mean I have figured for a long time that something was up with me....I spent the better part of my childhood wanting nothing more than to be invisible or to disappear into one of my books. if only I could have been one of Nancy's friends and invited to luncheon or by her side to solve a mystery instead of the teasing and taunting I endured. Finally in High school I decided that I was going to get noticed no matter what I did, I was just to strange. I mean I looked normal, but once I opened my big mouth people realised how weird I was. So I became an anarchist who decided if they were going to think I was weird , I might as well do what I pleased as far as what I wore, hence the dress I made completely from 70's neckties. But there are some things I really can't control and usually end up realising much later that it was rude and have to go back and do a lot of apologizing. I think things and they sound one way in my head, but then come out in a tone or way that comes across as offensive. I don't mean them that way and don't even realise it at the time, I miss social cues or body language and have a really hard time making eye contact and I also have strange tics when I get nervous.....I am also honest to a fault and have a hard time ever forgetting anything said to me, especially the meaner things, hence why unkind taunts linger in my head forever. And please do not take this as an excuse for any rude behaviour that I may display from time to time....as sometimes I am and can be a witch. I am just trying to say that sometimes people who are like me, who look normal in almost every way (short of pink hair and tattoos) aren't , our brains work differently and we sometimes do or say things that are odd and some kindness from others would really go a long way in helping us feel less self conscience. Because a lot of times I ma too nervous that I will make an ass of myself to go to certain events....and no one wants to explain to everyone they meet that they are an Aspy , please forgive me if I do something idiotic, I swear they are not all on purpose. Plus I do not want to be looked at with pity or as disabled. Because if you ask me sometimes I think I am not the disabled one the rest of my family is, lol. You rarely have to ask me to do anything twice as I have a photographic memory for what has been said and for most things I see, lol. Yet you have to ask or tell them things over and over and o...v...e....r....lol.  I do hope that finding out that Indiana has this and getting him therapy and all now will help him avoid some of the hardships I have faced over the years.

But on top of this new information we also had to wrestle with the decision of whether or not the Hubby would make the Army a career, a decision that caused much strife in our household for many months. But after much prayer and guidance from our church Pastor and a few others, he did finally decide it would be what was best for our family and reenlisted yesterday morning on Tybee beach. It was a beautiful day. And I am so proud of him, and while I do not know what the future holds for us, I have faith that God will provide for us and take care of us......and I hate to say it but through most of the ceremony I had Kanye West's song Gold Digger playing in my head "got you for 10 more years, 10 more years".......

But anywho that is what I have been up to and hopefully I will get better at posting more frequently , but don't hold your breath. Because now its time for us to get ready to move.....and I am already starting to hyperventilate, lol. But I have my pills and my Friend Windy ready to house hunt for me. And my faith in God is stronger than ever that he will provide and do what is best for my family...their is a purpose for all things. Even when we don't see them.

So there you go....that catches you up for now, and hopefully I will not fall behind so bad again, but honestly knowing me.....I will, ;)

Marriage....

The strangest argument took place in my house the other night one, that you would have sworn you were watching on TV and not in person. It was more like an old episode of Roseanne or something. It truly was funny and just goes to show how far my Hubby and I have come in the 13 years we have been married. (As yesterday was our anniversary)

We were arguing about something silly as usual as we rarely have any meaningful fights, and my temper got the best of me and I decided to remove myself from  the situation entirely. So I of course went out the front door in my usual the entire world must hear me leave fashion and slammed the 140 year old door. And I suppose after 2 years of doing this the door had, had it and the window pane broke. Loudly.

At first i went to the other end of the porch to afraid to even come back for my cigarettes I left by the rocker, as I figured much like Ricky would tell Lucy , I would have some splainin to do.....except I did not think Brandon would be so nice about it. So there I was twisting my hair nervously and biting my lip waiting on the inevitable when finally...........

He stuck his head through the broken window and said as calm as could be "really?" , "I am so tired of just throwing money out of the window, literally". To which I began to giggle and he actually cracked a lil smile while trying to pretend to still be mad at me. Then in true Dan Conner fashion proceded to tell me that he was not fixing this and that I needed to take care of it on my own (even though he used to work in a glass company and fix windows for a living) , so I in true Roseanne fashion handed him the tools and said I was not paying someone 50 bucks to do what he could do for free and that if i measured it, it would turn out all wrong I'm sure.....so we argued back and forth all while he did what I needed him to do, lol. But we laughed all throughout the arguing and got the job done albeit at 1 am.

10 years ago that would have gone so very differently , with one of us on the couch and a lot more yelling and then not speaking for days. It's amazing how much better we get along and work together now than we did then. Who knew .

It's been a wild ride , but I am looking forward to seeing where we are in another 13 years , that's for sure!

Vacay!

My Sister absolutely rocks, thanks to her we had the most amazing vacation ever (well our only vacation ever, since the honeymoon 13 yrs ago) to Orlando (which happens to be where we went for our honeymoon, lol).

It was so nice to get away with my Hubby and the kids and my Sister and her family. We stayed in a fabulous house and were only minutes away from Mickey Mouse. I of course took a trillion pictures and got every autograph we could.

It was so neat to see the wonder and joy on my kids faces as they met their heroes and saw their favorite TV characters. It really was a dream come true trip for us. I had so much fun running around and acting like a kid along with them. It definitely was one of those once in a lifetime dream trips. And I couldn't thank my sister enough for planning it all.

We also got to got to Universal and see the new Harry Potter themed park! I was in heaven! I am such a huge fan of the Harry Potter books and films and it was just like being in my books. The scenery was perfect the stores were so authentic and the rides were awesome! Plus I got to eat at the Three Broomsticks and drink real Butter beer! OMG....it was so wonderful. Oh and the Lucille Ball impersonator was so awesome and real looking and acting :)

And if all that fun was not enough I also did the 300 foot sky coaster swing. My brother in law and my nephew went on it with me and it was seriously nerve wracking knowing I had to pull the chord that would drop us the 300 feet down, but once that chord was pulled it was incredible! So much more fun than the gorge swing in Africa. No whiplash this time and they didn't make me climb a mountain afterwards.  (there is a video on my facebook if anyone wants to see :)

I was really sad the day we had to head home and back to the real world as it was so nice having the hubby and kids and family all together without anyone having to work or go to school or really have anywhere they had to be at all. It really was nice and such a blessing after the year we have had. I can not believe how lucky we are!

about those Deployment Goals....

Ok, so once again I have been a very bad blogger. But life gets crazy busy once the Hubby finally comes hime, lol.

But I was thinking back on those deployment goals I made at the beginning and after reading them again I wanted to see if I succeded............so let's see.

1.First and foremost Do not kill kids.  ( I did manage to do this one, as the kids are still very much alive and as big a pain as ever, lol.)


2.Work on becoming an alcoholic so as to achieve the first and most important goal. ( I tried hard on this one, but don't think I managed at all :P)

3.Remember to Eat. ( I did have some issues with this one, but managed to do it regularly and every single day.  Although I did forgo showering some days to even out the energy expended in doing so. )


4.Figure out what God would have me to learn from this sucky experience. (I am still not certain what I was supposed to learn, although I can tell you that I did learn to run the house alone, handle kids alone, survive deaths alone, fix disposals and drains and showers alone, and how to do all of that and maintain som form of sanity (or at least enough to full others)

5.remember to smile at least once a day (pretty sure I did this one, although it was usually at mine or my kid's expense)

6.remember to ask for help (this one was hard for me, but after a few months I did get the hang of it, of course, just in time for Hubby to return, lol)


7.try and make some friends no matter how much it may hurt (I did do this one! I have made some of the most amazing friends ever, they have been there for me and made me laugh or took me to the ER or let me clean their homes when I was restless, they have taken my kids so I could get a break and have just been awesome! and I <3 them all very much)

8.have another drink (definitely managed this one......a few times)

9.and last of all and remember this is very important, DO NOT KILL Kids or anyone else if possible (see #1)


So there you have it. I think I did pretty well considering my goals, maybe next time I will make some actual goals and not such silly ones. But knowing me, probably not.

All in all thouigh it was a long hard year, but we made it and have come out on the other side stronger people both seperately and together as a couple. The kids and the cat survived so that alone makes it a success on my part.....at least I think, anyways.

(_l_) (__) (_l_) (_/_) (_l_) (__) (_l_) (_/_) (_l_) (_l_) (__) (_l_)

I am doing my Happy Dance! He finally made it home, I am done, I survived......and my kids did too. My hubby coming home did not include the ceremony I had always wanted to attend or all the fanfare associated with a larger airport. But all that matters is that I got to run to him and jump into his arms. He is home , here with me and home safe and in one piece!

The army did not make this easy for me as they were more than difficult and in the end I did have to road trip it 5 hrs across the state to Benning. But I was so fortunate to have a great friend accompany me. She made a nerve wracking day into the best girl time I have had in years. We had the best conversations and tons of fun. She even kept me from getting freakishly lost a few times. Plus she saved me from having to eat alone at the Applebee's and wait alone at the airport, because man, that last hour felt like a hundred years. And the airport was small and empty and there was nothing to do to fill the time, no souvenirs to browse or things to look at. So instead she indulged me in my silly picture taking and listened to me talk a mile a minute about god only knows what....she was absolutely incredible. I am blessed to have her as my friend :)

We had a fabulous time our first night back together, we all 3 celebrated his return with Champagne (the cheap kind) and the finest wine glasses a dollar could buy at the dollar tree (no expense was spared)  and then retired to our rooms.

It was incredible and sweet and beyond my most hoped for expectations. And it was so nice to be in his arms again and to kiss him again and ..................

I am so happy he is home.   :o)

Things I have learned.........

I am finally nearing the end of this stupid deployment, if you had told me a year ago that I would actually survive this in one piece I so would have whined and cried like a 5 yr old . And I can honestly say the pessimist in me won out in the end over my emotions and I was not someone anyone wanted to be near for those first few months.  Fast Forward, (hindsight is alwaaaaaays 20/20) and I can look back on it all and see where I was wrong . I could and have survived.....everything annoying or ridiculous that has happened I have survived.  But anyways here is a short list of the things I have learned this year, starting from the beginning....

1. Some people who claim to be your friend are NOT
2. You should make real life friends,  too. Internet friends are not always who you think they are.
3. You can make that road trip alone with 2 kids and a cat, just don't forget 2 redbull shots and your ipod
4. You will survive the funerals and other hard things that come along
5. Skype and magic jack are incredibly awesome
6. Do not watch schmoopy sappy army movies early in deployment, they will only make you bitter and sad
7. the news is never good
8. staying busy really is the best way to get through it.....volunteer for everything and never say no to an invite no matter how much you want to
9. family is really important , so glad I reconnected with all of mine this year
10. take time for yourself.......
11. it is ok to leave dishes in the sink over night, heck you can leave them until you need them or they overflow the sink
12. soup and sandwiches is totally a healthy meal
13. Campbell's has a ton of new varieties :D
14. Ask for help (do not wait until your 9 months in, either)
15. You can watch schmoopy army homecoming shows at the end of deployment, and it is ok to cry
16. Daniel Tosh can make you laugh after the show has made you cry
17. Once its time for Hubby to come home, do not watch the episode of MASH where Henry Blake leaves to go home. Period.
18. once your hubby is in your arms it will all be ok. The rest is just small stuff. (At least I am hoping on this one as he is not home yet, I will let you know once he is....)
19. Oh and last but not least it is NOT really like it is portrayed on Army Wives.
20. If you put yourself out there you can make some of the best friends ever. Thank God for MOPs.


This is most of what I have learned, feel free to add to it though :) ......

Heaven..........I'm in heaven.........

Today I am deliriously happy.  The only thing that could make this day any better would be (a. my hubby being here or b. my figuring out a way to attend the homecoming ceremony).

Yesterday I was able to do something I have only dreamed about in the past. And it has made me insanely happy. It turned out better than i had hoped for.

First let me remind you of my shallow vanity....I got a bad haircut that put me in one heck of a funk for weeks. Its sad but my whole day is sometimes determined by whether or not I'm having a good hair day. I feel free to be me when I feel that I look ok. And while I realise I shouldn't be like this, sadly I am .....hopelessly vain.

So.....yesterday I got extensions put in and I fell instantly in love. My whole life I have never been able to have hair this long. And its so pretty and pink (well some of it). I have never ever been happier with my hair. And I really haven't been able to thank my hubby enough for not throwing a fit over my spending the money on it. But like I told him its cheaper than jewelry and makes me way more happy :) . And really let's face it if momma isn't happy then no one else around here will be either, LOL. And this has made me so happy its like a yoga high on crack....not even a migraine could bring me down, or my kids incessant fighting today. I am on top of the world. It really is a dream come true.

I am one lucky girl , I really am. My hubby may not be huge on public displays of affection, but he does love me, more than anyone ever has. He has always loved me no matter how big or broke out or frizzy I was. He never made me feel less than beautiful. And yesterday he gave me my dream. I love him so much for that.

My new hair <3

(Now I am ready for the hubby to come home)

Ch-ch-ch-changes....

"if nothing ever changed there would be no butterflies"
Walt Disney

Oh how true this is.....i saw this sign a few months ago in a Cracker Barrel gift shop, and had to have it. It was overpriced but something about it struck me.....

I have been thinking and worrying a lot the past few weeks about change. The deployment is almost over and I am getting nervous. I have changed a lot this year probably. I don't feel like the same girl he left.

What if he does not like the me I am now. What if he has changed, too. I mean how could he have not. Its been a long time. And what if I do not like the new him....

So what do we do now. How do we go about being together and minimizing conflict? How do I deal with whatever awkwardness there will inevitably be.

I have all these crazy irrational fears running through my head all the time and its driving me nuts. To the point that I have decided to seek a Dr's advice on how to deal with what I have been through and how to deal with what is coming up.  I hate to say that i have procrastinated on this too long, i let my fear keep me from looking for help.  I kept thinking I can do this on my own. But this week it just hit me that maybe i can't. That and just the stress of 2 kids on my own and a house falling down around me....i want to be at my own best when he gets here. I don't want my personal stuff to get in OUR way once he is home.

But really I am starting to think after talking with another good friend that has been there and done that and has the t-shirt, that maybe the army should make this more readily available and easier to get if your spouse deploys, not mandatory per se but maybe they should at least suggest this option a lil more.

And really how could counseling hurt.....it can only help I figure.

So wish me luck as I try to find someone who can see me soon and not in 3 months.....as was the case when i tried to get help for my son....

But I hope that all of these changes in me and in him will only help us. Its been a rough year and I'm ready for things to get to a new normal .  And I want to make my marriage even better than it has ever been. I hope he feels the same way.

oh Wow....

What a year this has been......it has without a doubt been the longest year of my life. And the most difficult. But to be honest, I have never learned more about myself or felt more awesome.

This has been a truly amazing year for me. I have turned 30 and have realised just how awesome I can be. I am in no way perfect but I feel that I have truly grown as a person this year. I have learned how to do basic home repair and plumbing and car repair and how to rebuild a mailbox.....i have managed to keep the house up and all of the kids activities  and have even managed to not kill the children or the cat (though at times I may have been very tempted) . I have learned how to road trip with the 3 of them by myself and how to cope with no sleep and basically do it all including the taxes. And I have survived pretty much intact, with maybe 3/4 of my brain still there. LOL.

I have also managed to (forgive the horn tooting here, I'm really excited) pay down half of our debt and save enough for a vacation! Our first in 13 years.  In fact I paid off 2 bills today :) . I am really really proud of myself and excited .

I wish I had known a long time ago just what i was capable of or just how awesome I could be. I think back on all the time I spent feeling less than and defeated and the fear of being alone......if only I had known or could go back and tell myself.  I mean, I may not have a degree or some fabulous career. But I have a good life and I am now happy to devote my energy to the people around me.....

I know I have whined a lot this deployment or that my frustration and anger may have sometimes gotten away from me....but I have grown immeasurably in myself . And I have never felt stronger or more capable.

Don't get me wrong though after night's like last night where the baby has wet on my bed and the sheets needed to be washed and dried, and the use of the dishwasher and washing machine at the same time resulted in the kitchen flooding , again. And then discovering the toothpaste bomb that had apparently gone off in the kids bathroom at 2am when all i wanted to do was go to bed. But the dryer didn't care how tired i was and wouldn't dry the sheets...so there I sat in a heap on the floor praying to God to please make it stop. I am so looking forward to my other half coming home, because while I may be able to do this on my own I really don't want to, lol.

My hat is off to single mother's everywhere, because while this has been the hardest year of my life , i at least had the knowledge and the hope that my Hubby would be home soon. That this was not permanent for me is all that kept me going some days.

But this really has been one heck of a year and now looking back I wouldn't change a minute of it. (Ok well maybe just a few of them, lol) it has really helped me realise who and what I am and that is one Rockin Mommy and  Wife and you know that really is good enough for me :D

Amen......

First let me say how sorry I am that it has been so long, it has been an interesting few weeks yet again here in deployment land. I injured my arm a few weeks ago and was unable to type effectively using my only my practically useless left hand....and then once that was better life got in the way as usual. Between basketball and my usual mommy duties I got both busy and Lazy.

I was fortunate enough though that after the arm injury the cavalry jumped at the call to serve and my Sister drove all the way here to bring my Aunt Renee to help out :) for which I am eternally grateful.

But anyways on to today's rantings, i mean thoughts.....

Today has been a particularly rough day (which i should have expected after yesterday's fabulous day.....). So today I have decided to share with you all the deployed Wife/Mommy's prayer......feel free to pray it with me if your having a crappy day too......

Dear God,
Please forgive me my multiple sins today. Forgive me for over sleeping and running late, forgive me for my utter frustration with medical science, please forgive me for wanting to bitch slap the horrid idiot teenage girl who works in the tanning salon, forgive my speeding and just general crankiness.

Please help me to calm the homicidal urges and utterly deplorable thoughts running in my head after my children broke my full length mirror while fighting just as we were supposed to be leaving for basketball pictures.....please help me to remember that one day I will indeed miss them at this age and to remember that this too shall pass....

And above all thank you God for the willpower to resist the urge to strangle people today. Thank you for the peace of mind I have in knowing that I will survive and that my children will too. Thank you for loving a raving lunatic such as myself and for forgiving me my idiot human ways. I am forever grateful you love me this much.

Please help me to remember that all of the other idiots I deal with on a regular basis are your children too and deserve kind treatment no matter how asinine they may act towards me. Help me to always remember to take the high road and not use my vehicle or words to hurt others.

Thank you again oh Lord, and I promise to try harder tomorrow to be more like you :)

AMEN




[And hey if you have ever been there too can I get a Amen, or a hallelujah, hehe]