No more late night snacking for me.......

Holy Crap! I just saw a huge rat in my pantry!I did not know that Splinter had left NY for GA, I wonder if the Ninja Turtles are in there somewhere too? I mean I have known that something like that was around....I saw the evidence after I returned home from being gone all summer. And I have heard him in the walls, but oh Lordy I was not expecting that. All I wanted was some Froot Loops, and snacking is rare for me as me and food do not get along so well most days.....now I may never eat another  snack , ok I kid. But this just reminds me of how much I miss having my Hubby around. Because this is totally a "Man" job.....I mean I will set a trap, but then who is gonna take the thing to the garbage can....not me.

I usually try to look on the bright side of things and when I get real down about being here alone with the 2 demon spawn that call me Mommy, I remind myself of the things I am enjoying about this time apart.

• Less laundry to wash and fold
• I can get away with serving soup and sandwiches for dinner
• my bed is not all destroyed when i wake up in the morning
• nobody cares that I have not shaved in 3 days
• NO Football!
• I was able to go home for the summer
• I can stay up as late as I want and not disturb anyone else
• I can play loud music when I shower or clean
• I do not have to share my bathroom ever! (except with trusted guests that I know will not pee on my seat)

And these are the things I have to remind myself about on the days that are rough, like today. Days where your feeling horrible and your foot is hurt because you fell off the rock climbing wall at the playground because you were wearing your butt firming shoes; and you know you can't just hide in bed all day because there are Mommy meetings to attend and care packages to be mailed and kids to shuttle and feed.....and rats to kill.  But hey we have almost made it half way through........and the kids are still alive.

Just remember it can always be worse and we are lucky it is not! So if your going through something similar get your list together and remind yourself of the silver lining.....

But seriously who is going to take the dead rat out after I murder it? help....

a Blast from the Past.....

Ok, so its not what you think at all, I swear.

Tonight I decided to work on some sewing projects that I had not completed in forever, figured I would check something off the ol' to do list. Not that my day was not productive mind you. As I did climb 178 steps up and back down in the Tybee Lighthouse, while wearing my butt firming shoes. But I really don't know, I just got the itch to do a lil' sewing.

Sewing to me is so many different things, it does not really feel like a chore most of the time and usually only makes me think of great childhood memories.

Like sitting with my MawMaw learning to sew a pillow by hand , how excited I was to get to do such a grown up thing. Listening to her talk of the days where all women got together for quilting bees,(and how she used to sit underneath the quilt they were making and tend to babies and play), and how her momma taught her to sew.  She would also talk of all the beautiful things her Mom had made for her and her many siblings over the years.  We would have some of our best talks while she was teaching me. And who know that it would turn into such a life long passion for me.

Sewing also brings to mind something my Mom has apologized to me many times for. The fact that when I was little and really wanted something like a Care Bear or Rainbow Brite and her horse Starlight, she had to make them for me, since they just could not afford things like that. She would buy pre printed pillow patterns that looked just like the dolls I so had to have and she would lovingly cut them out and sew them together and then stuff them for me. She always talks about how sad she was that she could not get me the real thing, but I still do not think she realises how beloved those pillows were to me, so much more then the real thing ever would have been. The fact that she would take the time to go to so much effort so that I could have what I wanted means a lot to me even still. So much so......

That tonight I happened to find myself sitting in the floor at my trusty sewing machine with my baby girl Kate making her replicas of my beloved pillows. We cut them out together and pinned them and then sewed them . Watching the joy in her face as she got to help me make them was priceless. She was so excited to see it take shape and then especially to stuff it with the fluffy white cotton. And then she just could not wait till they were all sewed up so she could hug and love on them. The whole time making them , I kept thinking, wow, what patience my Mom must have had to sit and make so many of them when I was small. Because in reality just the 2 we made were surprisingly difficult. But so worth it. I know so many people insist on making sure their kids have it so much better than they had. Not me.  I want my kids to know the joy of simple things made for them with love by a Mom who cares enough to do it and not just what could be bought at a store. I want them to see how much I love them the way my Mom did for me. She feels so bad she could not just buy the things I wanted, but really of all the tings I had as a kid the things my Mom made for me are the ones I remember the most.

Another thing I think of when I sew, is how I used to sit and watch in awe as My Granny (My Mom's Mom) could sew at lightning speed on her old fashioned Singer machine. The way she was quick and made it look so effortless. And how much fun it was to play in the scrap material and design things, that she would then sew for me. I literally could sit for hours and watch as she sewed pillow covers for couches and cars. It was truly amazing and some of my best memories with her.

I also hope that maybe I will be able to instill in Kate a love for sewing , too. I want her to have the kinds of memories that I have with both my Mom and my MawMaw. Plus really it can be a very useful skill.....whether you are making a pillow, hemming some pants or whipping out that MacGuyver style kit from your purse to sew a certain Sister's beloved work jacket , while sitting in a police station. Heck, I even had to sew a tent shut while in Africa last summer. It has been an invaluable tool for me over the years.  Seriously.

I also hope that my MawMaw will be around for a very long time to help teach Kate the wonderful things she taught me and to tell the wonderful stories (I nicknamed the "Little House" stories) about her childhood with no electricity , nor indoor plumbing. Stories that I worry will die with her as I just can not remember them all.

So......sew, LOL. Just thought that was funny, but I am corny that way. But hey I actually do feel very productive tonight, nothing makes me happier that to see something I made or painted myself  finished.

Ever wonder what happens after?

Ok, so tonight I maybe channeling a little Carrie Bradshaw, LOL. Having just seen my bootleg copy from Iraq of Sex and the City 2 , while lying in my bed wearing my gaudiest plastic jewelry and craziest hat...all I was missing was my cosmo :(

I have thought 2 things tonight while watching this.

1st this movie has made me wonder what life will be like after my kids are grown and out of my house....I mean I know that most days I dream of that as I am so frazzled and sleep deprived from taking care of my kids that I am just insane. But this movie actually made me appreciate the chaos that is my life. I just could not imagine living like Big and Carrie all alone day after day with only the 2 of them to talk to. All I could think was how lonely and quiet it must be to be like that. And while seeing Charlotte so stressed reminded me of me and how hard being a Mom truly is, I feel like she did at the end of the movie, happy to be with my family. And reminded of how truly blessed I am to have 2 beautiful kids and an awesomely wonderful hubby. (don't tell them though, wouldn't want them to get used to this side of me. Seriously, don't tell....) Because frankly it made me start to worry about what it will be like when it is just me and my Hubby alone together.....what if we drive each other nuts or just have nothing to say at all to each other. What if by then we have already said all there is to say. Because some days it seems like after the 13 yrs we have spent together that maybe we have already exhausted that fount. And to be honest change truly terrifies me, and I just can not imagine a time where my kids are gone and its going to be just us 2 again. LOL.

Luckily though we have both started to realise what work keeping the mystery and thrill alive is in a marriage, and have already started making steps towards strengthening our bond. And we have actually had some of the best conversations in years just in these past weeks . I no longer feel like an obligation or an item to be checked off of a to do list. I feel special and wanted again. And I am learning new things about him that make me want to talk to him and can not wait to be around him again.....hopefully when he gets home my irritating habits will seem quirky and cute again like they once did, and maybe his snoring will not make me want to rip the eardrums from my head, and maybe just maybe if we keep working at this in the 16 years we wait for our baby to grow up I will have no need to worry about life after babies .

and ok I said I thought 2 things.....well here is my second thought.

One should really not watch this movie alone. It is best watched with wonderful Girlfriend's , like my Friend Windy (who actually along with me and 3 other girls snuck out of church to see the 1st SATC movie). Unfortunately I no longer live near my beloved Windy who I miss terribly everyday....but I think it is time for me to start actively seeking some other forever friends. My Charlotte, Samantha, and Miranda.....the kinds of friends that you can see dressing up in pleather skirts and legwarmers well into your 70's with . The kind that you can trust to be there no matter what and you know would take your kids in a heartbeat. And while i have a few of them out there across the country, I am going to start looking for some where I am. My goal is to approach every new friendship with a completely open heart, and surely God will place the right friends into my life.
But i am no longer going to wait for them to find me, I am going to get out there and actually look, no matter how scared I am. Because at this point my fear of having no friends to go with me through the rest of my adult life scares me more. Probably scares the Hubby a little as well, as I am sure he will not want to spend every waking moment listening to my incurable talkativeness, my constant fears and rants. He is going to want others to help deal with me. Plus I do not feel it is fair in a marriage to expect the other to be your absolute everything....because then you do lose the mystery that keeps you wanting more. And I never want us to lose that, ever. 

And while I know I am sure to be hurt or even disappointed I swear I will not give up, I will not stop putting myself out there to make friends. Until I succeed. I will wear my heart on my sleeve and truck on, and if I get knocked down I will crawl right back up. (that is something I have started learning my on my own this summer after a really dreadful experience, but that is a whole another post all together)

And you know I would simply settle for an Ethel to my Lucy.....And a Hubby who will still adore me after all those years. So here is a toast to a bright and happy and adventurous life after kids. (grab that glass of wine and toast with me, I'll wait....)

Finding my groove.....well at least trying to

Ok so while I realise I should have already found my deployment groove, I mean we are almost half way through for Pete's sake. LOL. But if you knew me you would expect me to be late on this and everything else. In fact there is a running gag in our family that I will be late for my own funeral. (My Mom actually wants to have it in her will that they purposely be 15 min late taking her to the funeral)

But anywho....I have not been posting the last few days as I have been in one of those evil assed down in the dump moods. The kind where you get on your own damn nerves. I was starting to think I would never shake it. So........

Last night I made the 1st step up out of my whole. I painted my nails Yellow, a nice bright happy yellow. The kind of yellow that makes you smile when you notice your nails. Unfortunately though I woke up the same cranky person i went to bed as. So......

Today I took a long nap and then decided to tackle my house that had not been deep cleaned since before I left for AL the first time almost 10 weeks ago. I dusted and scrubbed and vacuumed and washed laundry, just the whole works....I even fixed a toilet seat and a shower rod and replaced my cabinet knobs in the master bath.

Then I put my nice clean sheets back on my bed and decided to put a really pretty girly quilt on my bed . I also reorganized my room and made it more me and less us. I mean I know that this house is mine and my Hubby's together but one of the issues I had with this deployment was my jealousy at his having a space all his own whereas I did not. I kept imagining all the fun things I could do in his situation, whether it be all out high school musical or Hannah Montana bedding and fun posters of cheesy things like twilight. I imagines this whole dorm style thing that I never got to do because I have not been to college. So I got to thinking why couldn't i do that with my room too? At least till Hubby comes home. And I love this quilt an old family friend made it and it is made out all of her favorite old clothes, its unique and pretty and I really just like it. Plus it works with this whole Paris angle I seem to be taking in here, LOL.

Then to really get my mood up I decided to put the pink back into my hair. Because how can you be sad when you look in the mirror and have beautiful yellow nails and bright pink hair peeking out. And the peace of mind that your house is eat off the floor clean.

Plus I am now really looking forward to my Sister coming to visit next week with her MIL and Hubby. Finally.....some adult time! Plus I will finally get to do the sightseeing that I have not had time to do. Plus her MIL Becky has promised to teach me to knit! Something I have always wanted to learn how to do.

And hey if I learn it, then I can check something off of my Deployment Goals List, woot woot.

So maybe I am finally hitting my stride with this whole no hubby thing. So hey if your having issues dealing with your hubby being gone maybe try a few of these things I have done....might help, but even if it doesn't you will be in a bad mood in a very clean house with very pretty hair and nails, LOL.  Just go crazy and have fun with your room or maybe your whole house while Hubby is gone. Mine now looks like a 15 yr old girl moved in a took over and I just LOVE it!

I love this song....and it seems perfect for me right this second....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TlBTPITo1I&ob=av2n

Oy....

Warning: I am sleep deprived and bitchy today so i may come off as much more harsh than I intend. But if I do not get this out here it may explode on someone else or something else......and as you will see I am sick of cleaning up , LOL.



Today is one of those days where I am so cranky, I even get on my own nerves. One of the days where I do not ever want to see another dirty diaper or cook another morsel of food. One of those where all I want to do is run for my life in the opposite direction of where I am.

I mean please do not get me wrong. I love my life. I love my kids and my Hubby. Really I do. But I am tired of my only purpose in life being to serve everyone else. To clean up after and to care for. I am sick of being a chef and a maid and a tutor and a chauffeur and an entertainer.

I wish I could trade places with my Hubby for a little while. Just long enough for us both to get a better understanding of what the other goes through. Because I know I do not know how hard this is on him, and I do not think he gets what this is like for me either. I mean from my perspective all I can think about is the fact he gets to pee by himself or never has to cook. And in my head I imagine that he is having all of these wonderful adventures that I will never get to experience. And that he actually gets to sleep on his off days where as it seems I never get an off day. Period.  I think of the wonderful (I use this term here very loosely) things he is missing out on such as potty training and bills and laundry and housework that never seem to end. I also envy the fact that he has a mission to complete,  a task to do that seems to have meaning and purpose. Where as a lot of days I feel completely purposeless. I feel like I will never get anywhere with my kids or anything else .  And I desperately want to leave a mark on this world, one that will survive long after I am gone.

Today I hate the army and this stupid war more than ever. I hate the fact that I have been left here all alone to be Mom and Dad with no one to help or take up the slack at all. I am sick of being on duty every minute of every day. To be the only one to do it all with no break ever. I really,  really am. And days like today I feel so trapped , trapped with no way out of this , no light at the end of the tunnel to see. It feels like this damn deployment will never end.

(I can be so melodramatic sometimes, sorry)

I know its not all that bad and I know that this is not my Hubby's fault and that he would be here if he could be. I also know that being a stay at home mom was something I chose. And while it is what I think is best for my kids, it is just not as fun as I thought it would be.

I wish I had some skill set to fall back on now, some way to find a job that would actually pay enough for daycare . I wish I could even get motivated enough by something to want to go back to school. I feel so adrift. And I have no idea what I should do .....

Luckily tomorrow is another day and I know that right now I am just tired and frustrated with my circumstances. And I also know that God will show me what he wants me to do when the time is right, I just need to be patient. And I need to learn to be content in both my life and the choices I have made.

So until I get there I am just going to fake it until I make it, and also I think I may start planning my getaway for when Hubby returns home. Maybe we can trade lives for just a few days ;) (a girl can dream, right)

getting out there and making friends....

So like I said before I have a fear of rejection, which has come from years and years of being rejected by so called friends....but I decided to not give up and to try yet again, LOL.

A few years ago in DC a really nice friend signed me up for MOPs (Mom's of preschoolers) to help me pass the time my Hubby would be away at BNCOC. It turned out to be a blast! I loved having somewhere to go every 2 weeks and getting that one on one time with other Moms without my kids. It was nice to not have to say words like Potty and time out for 2 hours. Well last year during my son's little league baseball I met this really nice Mom from the other team who invited me to come to MOPs here in Savannah. I was nervous about putting myself out there but remembered what a good time it had been before so I went. And it was awesome!

So this year I decided to join the Steering team  and help run MOPs. Already I can tell that I am going to make some fabulous new friends and it is really nice having something to look forward too and work on while Hubby is gone. And you know I love anything creative so I am already enjoying making decorations for our meetings and helping with crafts. In gact you know I took pics of the centerpieces, LOL.

So I am really excited for this year in MOPs, I think we are going to have a fabulous time. And I might just come out of this with some friends. Fingers Crossed.

So I think any military wife should look for a group to join even if your hubby is home, because it really does help to have a support system of other women that you can trust. Sometimes that can be the FRG (has never been in my experience) or even a Bunko group, but just look for a way to put yourself out there and meet people no matter how uncomfortable it can be. And hey MOPs meets all around the world , so there is something you can try, here is their website http://www.mops.org/.

Now just wish me luck, I really could use some friends ..... :o)