Heaven..........I'm in heaven.........

Today I am deliriously happy.  The only thing that could make this day any better would be (a. my hubby being here or b. my figuring out a way to attend the homecoming ceremony).

Yesterday I was able to do something I have only dreamed about in the past. And it has made me insanely happy. It turned out better than i had hoped for.

First let me remind you of my shallow vanity....I got a bad haircut that put me in one heck of a funk for weeks. Its sad but my whole day is sometimes determined by whether or not I'm having a good hair day. I feel free to be me when I feel that I look ok. And while I realise I shouldn't be like this, sadly I am .....hopelessly vain.

So.....yesterday I got extensions put in and I fell instantly in love. My whole life I have never been able to have hair this long. And its so pretty and pink (well some of it). I have never ever been happier with my hair. And I really haven't been able to thank my hubby enough for not throwing a fit over my spending the money on it. But like I told him its cheaper than jewelry and makes me way more happy :) . And really let's face it if momma isn't happy then no one else around here will be either, LOL. And this has made me so happy its like a yoga high on crack....not even a migraine could bring me down, or my kids incessant fighting today. I am on top of the world. It really is a dream come true.

I am one lucky girl , I really am. My hubby may not be huge on public displays of affection, but he does love me, more than anyone ever has. He has always loved me no matter how big or broke out or frizzy I was. He never made me feel less than beautiful. And yesterday he gave me my dream. I love him so much for that.

My new hair <3

(Now I am ready for the hubby to come home)

Ch-ch-ch-changes....

"if nothing ever changed there would be no butterflies"
Walt Disney

Oh how true this is.....i saw this sign a few months ago in a Cracker Barrel gift shop, and had to have it. It was overpriced but something about it struck me.....

I have been thinking and worrying a lot the past few weeks about change. The deployment is almost over and I am getting nervous. I have changed a lot this year probably. I don't feel like the same girl he left.

What if he does not like the me I am now. What if he has changed, too. I mean how could he have not. Its been a long time. And what if I do not like the new him....

So what do we do now. How do we go about being together and minimizing conflict? How do I deal with whatever awkwardness there will inevitably be.

I have all these crazy irrational fears running through my head all the time and its driving me nuts. To the point that I have decided to seek a Dr's advice on how to deal with what I have been through and how to deal with what is coming up.  I hate to say that i have procrastinated on this too long, i let my fear keep me from looking for help.  I kept thinking I can do this on my own. But this week it just hit me that maybe i can't. That and just the stress of 2 kids on my own and a house falling down around me....i want to be at my own best when he gets here. I don't want my personal stuff to get in OUR way once he is home.

But really I am starting to think after talking with another good friend that has been there and done that and has the t-shirt, that maybe the army should make this more readily available and easier to get if your spouse deploys, not mandatory per se but maybe they should at least suggest this option a lil more.

And really how could counseling hurt.....it can only help I figure.

So wish me luck as I try to find someone who can see me soon and not in 3 months.....as was the case when i tried to get help for my son....

But I hope that all of these changes in me and in him will only help us. Its been a rough year and I'm ready for things to get to a new normal .  And I want to make my marriage even better than it has ever been. I hope he feels the same way.

oh Wow....

What a year this has been......it has without a doubt been the longest year of my life. And the most difficult. But to be honest, I have never learned more about myself or felt more awesome.

This has been a truly amazing year for me. I have turned 30 and have realised just how awesome I can be. I am in no way perfect but I feel that I have truly grown as a person this year. I have learned how to do basic home repair and plumbing and car repair and how to rebuild a mailbox.....i have managed to keep the house up and all of the kids activities  and have even managed to not kill the children or the cat (though at times I may have been very tempted) . I have learned how to road trip with the 3 of them by myself and how to cope with no sleep and basically do it all including the taxes. And I have survived pretty much intact, with maybe 3/4 of my brain still there. LOL.

I have also managed to (forgive the horn tooting here, I'm really excited) pay down half of our debt and save enough for a vacation! Our first in 13 years.  In fact I paid off 2 bills today :) . I am really really proud of myself and excited .

I wish I had known a long time ago just what i was capable of or just how awesome I could be. I think back on all the time I spent feeling less than and defeated and the fear of being alone......if only I had known or could go back and tell myself.  I mean, I may not have a degree or some fabulous career. But I have a good life and I am now happy to devote my energy to the people around me.....

I know I have whined a lot this deployment or that my frustration and anger may have sometimes gotten away from me....but I have grown immeasurably in myself . And I have never felt stronger or more capable.

Don't get me wrong though after night's like last night where the baby has wet on my bed and the sheets needed to be washed and dried, and the use of the dishwasher and washing machine at the same time resulted in the kitchen flooding , again. And then discovering the toothpaste bomb that had apparently gone off in the kids bathroom at 2am when all i wanted to do was go to bed. But the dryer didn't care how tired i was and wouldn't dry the sheets...so there I sat in a heap on the floor praying to God to please make it stop. I am so looking forward to my other half coming home, because while I may be able to do this on my own I really don't want to, lol.

My hat is off to single mother's everywhere, because while this has been the hardest year of my life , i at least had the knowledge and the hope that my Hubby would be home soon. That this was not permanent for me is all that kept me going some days.

But this really has been one heck of a year and now looking back I wouldn't change a minute of it. (Ok well maybe just a few of them, lol) it has really helped me realise who and what I am and that is one Rockin Mommy and  Wife and you know that really is good enough for me :D

Amen......

First let me say how sorry I am that it has been so long, it has been an interesting few weeks yet again here in deployment land. I injured my arm a few weeks ago and was unable to type effectively using my only my practically useless left hand....and then once that was better life got in the way as usual. Between basketball and my usual mommy duties I got both busy and Lazy.

I was fortunate enough though that after the arm injury the cavalry jumped at the call to serve and my Sister drove all the way here to bring my Aunt Renee to help out :) for which I am eternally grateful.

But anyways on to today's rantings, i mean thoughts.....

Today has been a particularly rough day (which i should have expected after yesterday's fabulous day.....). So today I have decided to share with you all the deployed Wife/Mommy's prayer......feel free to pray it with me if your having a crappy day too......

Dear God,
Please forgive me my multiple sins today. Forgive me for over sleeping and running late, forgive me for my utter frustration with medical science, please forgive me for wanting to bitch slap the horrid idiot teenage girl who works in the tanning salon, forgive my speeding and just general crankiness.

Please help me to calm the homicidal urges and utterly deplorable thoughts running in my head after my children broke my full length mirror while fighting just as we were supposed to be leaving for basketball pictures.....please help me to remember that one day I will indeed miss them at this age and to remember that this too shall pass....

And above all thank you God for the willpower to resist the urge to strangle people today. Thank you for the peace of mind I have in knowing that I will survive and that my children will too. Thank you for loving a raving lunatic such as myself and for forgiving me my idiot human ways. I am forever grateful you love me this much.

Please help me to remember that all of the other idiots I deal with on a regular basis are your children too and deserve kind treatment no matter how asinine they may act towards me. Help me to always remember to take the high road and not use my vehicle or words to hurt others.

Thank you again oh Lord, and I promise to try harder tomorrow to be more like you :)

AMEN




[And hey if you have ever been there too can I get a Amen, or a hallelujah, hehe]