new blog!!!

ok so i know its been a while, my life is a crazy one for sure. But I have started a new venture! On my new blog i will be reviewing all the best new beauty products , and i give my honest opinions and save you from having to go through the trial and error of buying all the new products. So let me be your guinea pig and try them for you! Feel free to post things you would like to see tried and i will do my best to do that for you :) .....so go and check it out!
its the www.beautyjunkiereview.com

much love to you!
Muah!

Sooooo.......

  I know that i promised you guys the recital videos , so here they are, finally!!! Thanks again to my friend Windy for making my dream come true :)

this is my class :) i got to dance with a lot of beautiful young ladies and yep i was the only adult

                                          

This was our Mom's dance i am the one to the left in the white dress and blonde wig :)

                                           

This is my awesome boy breakdancing with the Arrive 2 defy crew, he has red shorts, blue shirt and retro knee socks, he was amazing!!!

                                          

This was my beatiful  lil girl's dance she is the very serious elephant in the middle beginning at 3:13

Both of my babies did amazing, i was so proud of them!!!

My summer has been incredible, i finally made it to Fenway Park in Boston to watch the Braves stomp the Red Sox :) that made me happy. And even though we spent a good hour or so huddled under ponchos in the rain near the hotdog stands, i was literally just thrilled to be there and see it, so i totally checked that off of my bucket list.....plus Boston was absolutely incredible, i would love to live there someday, it has the history of Philadelphia and DC and all of the charm of Savannah. Simply amazing, I got to see reenactors dressed in civil war garb, was asked to join a chess game by a lovely older man, saw Paul Revere's grave and met  a patriot having beer with a redcoat....and they were so delightful to talk to. I could go on and on about how much fun i had but don't want to bore anyone....lol

I have also gotte to see the Legwarmers play this summer and it was fabulous to go with my girls and dress up in my 80's finest and dance my ass off.....next we are gonna do the hustle in feathered hair and disco dresses, so bring on the Right on Band.....i am so excited about  all of this. (yes i know i a a lil bit of a dork, but who cares :) 

Now to the main reason i am writing tonight......i am at such a difficult crossroads in my life. And my future seems so wide open and scary and i really can not decide what to do. Next week i will send both of my babies to school, ( just discussing my baby going to kindergarten is a whole other post for later) in a way the freedom excites me....but i really do not know what to do with myself. I am no longer qualified for any sort of job , its been 10 yrs since i have done anything other than odd painting jobs or cleaning.....i had wanted to go to the Paul Mitchell School for hair design, i just loved the campus and the staff, it looked like a completely amazing place to learn......but it would put a lot of financial strain on my family......so now should i look into other hair programs or something different entirely, i just do not know what directon to go because there are just so many options (and autistics like are not good at deciding when the options are endless) plus i just do not have any idea what sort of talents i have anymore.....i guess i need one of those antiquated career placement quizzes, lol. But just thinking about all of this makes my head spin and then i shut down in frustration....i just keep hoping for a sign that will point me in the right way......so please God any sort of sign would help. 

But anyways thank you for listening to the endless stream of thoughts i couldn't turn off tonight....and i hope i entertained you with my (ahem, lovely) dancing, lol.............

I am so Happy!!!

Today my Mom surprised me by flying in just for my recital tomorrow! I have never been surprised like this and now I am just beyond excited for recital! videos and pics to come!

I'm not dead....

Ok, so I have not been feeling especially prolific lately....Sorry.

My Hubby just got back from one of the "Super Fun" army schools....yay us. >.< But it actually wasn't too terrible this go around. But really 2 months doesn't really compare to the year long deployment we just survived. He missed Valentine's day again, he of course made up for it by sending me very pretty flowers and getting me the uber cool Pan am Bag I wanted!

Plus....I have been pretty focused on getting myself straightened out. And Good news, I am now back up to a healthy weight :) and have been eating much better. I am also back in the gym getting my groove on. There really is nothing better than having someone watch the kids while I enjoy some me time :) [getting in shape too is just a bonus]. I won't lie, I am still struggling with my body image , I probably always will. But I am seeing a therapist and try to remind myself that I am perfectly imperfect...LOL. And when all else fails I distract myself with meaningless TV, aka Jersey Shore and Teen Mom. The Guidos and Guidettes are growing on me and oh my I think I love My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding ( I blame this last one on my friend Connie).

And I am one very proud Momma, My Boy just performed in the School Talent show a few weeks ago! He was AMAZING! (I of course knew he would be) He performed a breakdance routine to the Phinneas and Ferb song Squirrels in my pants (because who doesn't like that song, really?). He had the whole room cheering and clapping and for good reasons this time...I guess I really should have seen this coming since his rousing performance during a Vacation Bible school skit when he was 3. He totally managed to upstage the "Blues Brothers".

I am having a lil bit of anxiety over the fact my Baby is growing up so fast, so hard to believe that she will be in kindergarten next year.....and she is my last baby :( . Every time I see her dancing or the fact that she has begun pronouncing words right that just a few months ago she couldn't say. It's a lil scary, so I try to stay in the moment with them both...since pretty soon they will be grown. So I will read the Belly Button book for the millionth and ten time and will sit making paper Origami Yoda and Darth Paper.I will even watch every episode of Phinneas and Ferb with my kids and sing along to every crazy song, over and over until we make ears bleed. I will also make a complete fool of myself in Target if it illicits even one grin out of them much to the dismay of my very conservative Hubby. Just try duck walking through the target store while making fish faces and see what happens....seriously go and try it.

Oh and we took a fabulous little holiday to Great Wolf, which next to Walt Disney World is the greatest place on earth for families. And so much closer and really affordable. It was so nice to get away for a few days after the Hubby got home, with the kids for some much needed fun. Everybody had a blast and I got some major bonding in with my Boy. We spent 3 days chasing after fairies and treasure chests and magic stars and the Goblin King on magical adventures. We gallantly fought and defeated most of our foes until we met the dastardly Red Dragon...we tried over and over again to no avail. The lovely staff at the lodge tried to help as well, only to finally determine that this foe was a cheat, so we moved on to other quests for glory.....but on our last night there we decided to give it one more try just so we could say we did the absolute best we could....and with a lil teamwork he and I defeated the horrid Red Dragon....I could not have been more excited had the Braves won the World Series....you should have seen the people staring at the 2 of jumping up and down and high fiving. But as master card always says ....3 days at Great Wolf $500.00, A wand , crown, belt , princess hat, fairy wings and a compass $75.00....bonding with your Boy and finally defeating the Red Dragon.....PRICELESS!

For the most part my life is Normal....well as normal as it can be when you are me.
So in case you were wondering, I am not dead..........

I can do this.....

So this week I had my first visit with the Nutritionist .....I weighed in at a whopping 116(but we concluded that 4-5 or so  of that was heavy winter clothing). But the Dr. was kind and seemed committed to helping me get better and there was no threat of inpatient care or condescention from her at all. In fact no one in the entire clinic made one single rude comment at all about me or my weight (like at previous Dr.'s offices). I mean I get that they do not mean the comments as an insult. "I wish I was as skinny as you..." or "I wish I just stopped eating when I was stressed...." is what I usually hear.

 But, no you do not wish that you were as as skinny as me. It hurts to be this thin. My bones dig into everything, the bed the couch .....everything. I used to love to sit on the floor. Now if I do that I get bruises from where my hip bones dug through my skin. I can rarely ever get comfortable anywhere anymore. I am always cold. I no longer have enough fat to keep me warm or enough of well anything to regulate my body temprature.....its ridiculous. My hair is falling out and my face has sunken in. Nobody wants to be like this.

I remember when I was heavier always thinking if I could just get to that magic number on the scale I would be happy with my body , like somehow how much I weighed would make me prettier, worthier more special and just better than I was. I even believed that being that number would make the cellulite disappear and my hair better or what have you that number was going to make everything better.....

Then I quit looking for numbers on a scale and started searching for that label number in my clothes. The one hollywood and magazines deemed perfect. That magic number that says you are the same size as that beautiful supermodel or famous actress......well, here I am that size. (I actually had someone at the dressing room in a store once say "this dress is hard to wear and doesn't look good on anyone, but it looks great on you because you are built like a model."  This for once did not make me happy.

I miss the days of having curves, and boobs and beautiful long healthy hair. I wish I could have realised then that I was fine the way I was, right then.  My vanity has done nothing more than cause me enormous grief.....and given me a mountain to climb. But inch by inch I am going to climb. Till I get back to what I was. Or as close to it as I can. No matter how foreign the concept of gaining weight to me is or no matter how my brain rebels against my attempts to get better.

I am worthy of this . I deserve to get better and to be healthy and just being me is enough. How I look really isn't important. And anyone who thinks so isn't worth having in my life....

So hear is to week one of my getting back to being me.
 Weight 112.

(not sucking in, just stretching up)

 My goals are to make sure I eat at least 4 times a day and to write it all down as well as to stop weighing myself.
Start seeing a therapist (1st appointment is next week)

So please pray for me. Getting to at least 120 could take awhile the Dr. said. And so far it is sooooo hard.

Moving Company update.....

Ok so here we are a month later since the claim was filed......

I found out today that the company has no intention at all of coming to see the broken items that we were told had to be kept. We have been storing them in a rental unit at 100.00 per month for 2 months....so now we have lost 200.00.

We would not have found this out had we not contacted them as they had no intention of letting us know either. Nice, very nice.

So now not only are we out the cost of the building, but we have  to now come up with a way to dispose of said items in storage by the first to avoid paying another month of rent on it....ugh.

This whole move has been incredibly ridiculous to say the least.

But there you go for those of you following the claims process for your own future PCS moves.....

broken....

Do you ever just feel broken? Or like maybe you just want to disappear or maybe hide under the covers and never come out until things are the way you want them to be, whether it be waiting on a bad haircut to grow out or acne to clear up or whatever is bothering you whatever is making you feel like you are just not enough that day?

I will not lie, I am a huge walking contradiction. I will be the first to tell you that everyone is beautiful simply because beauty comes from the inside and not from the outside. But for some reason I just can not see the same in myself. Ever, no matter how hard I try. (and please do not begin to compliment me as I am not fishing for that) In my rational brain I know that I am not a hideously disgusting creature on the level of Gollum....but my irrational brain takes over and drives me to pick out every ridiculous flaw in my figure or face...."You have a lump there or wow your rear is saggin today, or holy crap what have you done to your hair?" and I have found that my internal voice is cruel and merciless and it screams louder and louder at me some days......

I have tried everything in my own power to shut them up , i worked out till it became a problem,all in a vain attempt to firm the parts I deemed saggy. My OCD extends to every aspect of my life....I am always an all or nothing person, sadly. Go big or go home may not be my best motto anymore....hiding in my house on bad hair days is just silly and I made way to big a deal out of my acne for years.......I guess I never felt the inside was good enough and worried too much about the outside.

But I have just realised in the last few weeks the worst thing I have ever let the voices do to me. And it has harmed me the most and may be the biggest battle I ever fight with myself and it turns out I am one tough person to beat (But at the same time , to quote a friend, it's hard to decide who to root for). All those times I begged to disappear and to just no longer exist or to simply be invisible, I guess my subconscious was listening. I already had an issue with food bothering my stomach. Something Docs have been trying to figure out for years.....but in times of stress or pain, my brain would just shut down all cues for hunger or the need to eat. To the point that I now feel I may have a full blown eating disorder.

Wow...... you just do not know how hard that was to type much less how hard or humiliating it was to say to my Dr. or my friends and Hubby, to admit that I had allowed my mind to do something so crazy to my own body was just so embarrassing. Especially knowing this is the only body I will ever get........

My Hubby and some friends say that all i need to do is just eat a lil more and I will be fine....but I can not tell them how messed up my mind has become. That rationally I can look at a picture of myself or at myself in the mirror without clothes and see that I have become too thin and the plan seems so easy to follow........but then later when showering or dressing or something where the mirror isn't screaming at me, I look down at myself and see cellulite in places it shouldn't be or fat where I feel it shouldn't be. So I now know I must be sick. And I need help. Because who in their right mind could feel fat just as the size zero pants fall off ? Clearly I have lost it.

But please don't freak. I am actually seeking help as I type. I have begun seeing the Dr. I will start seeing a nutritionist and therapist as soon as they can fit me in and my PCM is awesome! And seems like she really wants to help me.

I am not really sure why I am even typing this out, other than getting this out makes me feel better. And maybe with prayer and these new dr's I can and will get through this. In one piece. On one hand I feel so weak and defeated already......but on the other I really think I can do this. And luckily I have good support in place and a friend who has been there. But I will not lie, the thought of purposely gaining weight is so scary. And against everything women are raised to believe they should do. But I want to look pretty and healthy again. Mostly healthy. And I want to be strong again.

I realise now I am more than my looks. I am learning to be a whole person. Not just a pretty girl, or Mom, or wife. I am learning to be Mandie. I am going after my dreams. And I want to be healthy enough to do it.



So please pray for me. I have realised I can not do this alone......