broken....

Do you ever just feel broken? Or like maybe you just want to disappear or maybe hide under the covers and never come out until things are the way you want them to be, whether it be waiting on a bad haircut to grow out or acne to clear up or whatever is bothering you whatever is making you feel like you are just not enough that day?

I will not lie, I am a huge walking contradiction. I will be the first to tell you that everyone is beautiful simply because beauty comes from the inside and not from the outside. But for some reason I just can not see the same in myself. Ever, no matter how hard I try. (and please do not begin to compliment me as I am not fishing for that) In my rational brain I know that I am not a hideously disgusting creature on the level of Gollum....but my irrational brain takes over and drives me to pick out every ridiculous flaw in my figure or face...."You have a lump there or wow your rear is saggin today, or holy crap what have you done to your hair?" and I have found that my internal voice is cruel and merciless and it screams louder and louder at me some days......

I have tried everything in my own power to shut them up , i worked out till it became a problem,all in a vain attempt to firm the parts I deemed saggy. My OCD extends to every aspect of my life....I am always an all or nothing person, sadly. Go big or go home may not be my best motto anymore....hiding in my house on bad hair days is just silly and I made way to big a deal out of my acne for years.......I guess I never felt the inside was good enough and worried too much about the outside.

But I have just realised in the last few weeks the worst thing I have ever let the voices do to me. And it has harmed me the most and may be the biggest battle I ever fight with myself and it turns out I am one tough person to beat (But at the same time , to quote a friend, it's hard to decide who to root for). All those times I begged to disappear and to just no longer exist or to simply be invisible, I guess my subconscious was listening. I already had an issue with food bothering my stomach. Something Docs have been trying to figure out for years.....but in times of stress or pain, my brain would just shut down all cues for hunger or the need to eat. To the point that I now feel I may have a full blown eating disorder.

Wow...... you just do not know how hard that was to type much less how hard or humiliating it was to say to my Dr. or my friends and Hubby, to admit that I had allowed my mind to do something so crazy to my own body was just so embarrassing. Especially knowing this is the only body I will ever get........

My Hubby and some friends say that all i need to do is just eat a lil more and I will be fine....but I can not tell them how messed up my mind has become. That rationally I can look at a picture of myself or at myself in the mirror without clothes and see that I have become too thin and the plan seems so easy to follow........but then later when showering or dressing or something where the mirror isn't screaming at me, I look down at myself and see cellulite in places it shouldn't be or fat where I feel it shouldn't be. So I now know I must be sick. And I need help. Because who in their right mind could feel fat just as the size zero pants fall off ? Clearly I have lost it.

But please don't freak. I am actually seeking help as I type. I have begun seeing the Dr. I will start seeing a nutritionist and therapist as soon as they can fit me in and my PCM is awesome! And seems like she really wants to help me.

I am not really sure why I am even typing this out, other than getting this out makes me feel better. And maybe with prayer and these new dr's I can and will get through this. In one piece. On one hand I feel so weak and defeated already......but on the other I really think I can do this. And luckily I have good support in place and a friend who has been there. But I will not lie, the thought of purposely gaining weight is so scary. And against everything women are raised to believe they should do. But I want to look pretty and healthy again. Mostly healthy. And I want to be strong again.

I realise now I am more than my looks. I am learning to be a whole person. Not just a pretty girl, or Mom, or wife. I am learning to be Mandie. I am going after my dreams. And I want to be healthy enough to do it.



So please pray for me. I have realised I can not do this alone......

Finally......

I am finally unpacked. Every last ridiculous box is opened and gone through and put into its proper place. I am personally responsible for any hikes in Ikea stock and at Home Depot (your welcome if these are in your portfolio).

And for some reason it always feels a lil like I am in the witness relocation program every time we move, because everything is always so different. It seems we always end up with different furniture and different things, etc. And then I always then feel the need to change how I look as well, so of course I ran out and cut my hair all off and dyed it dark brown.

 So now when I look in the mirror it feels weird and then when i come home it feels weird, lol. It always takes so much getting used to.

But I have pics of the new house for those who want to see =) I won't show them all so as not to bore anyone....but here you go. Otherwise ignore my blatant bragging and scroll down.....

It is beyond cute and in the cutest lil neighborhood!

I repainted the kitchen and even put down a new renter friendly temp floor (feel free to ask me how:)

fully decorated

Living and dining room....please ignore the purse, lol

The Living room

My mom will be proud, I finally hung a clock....but who could resist Rainbow Brite?

My bedroom, opted for a change with do it yourself purple nightstands, mine is a lil girly and his a lil more masculine, the lamp shades are actually a really pretty green background with white leaf pattern (I pulled a lot of green in this time for the hubs, it is in the curtains and lampshades)

I just had to have this , it was just too much fun to pass up!

It stores shoes and has my dream travel bucket list on it....i decided to take a new trunk and make it look a lil more traveled and vintagey with vintage travel labels reminiscent of a more glamorous age of travel =)

My hubby gave me my own dressing area worthy of an old Hollywood movie star :)

I even get my own girly bathroom and walk in closet, what more could a girl want?

The boy side of the room

The Girl side

Our powder room had travel themed wall paper , so where better to place all of our travel souvenirs? and Pictures?

and anyone who knows me knows I loveeeee my pics of family and friends and need to have them close, so of course there is the wall of fame :)

and last but not least the toy room in the basement =)

And now things have finally settled down here a bit and it is finally feeling like home (I actually started this particular blog a few weeks ago) it still feels weird. I feel weird. I keep hoping I will find my groove and get over the loss of my hair. Or at least learn to style it without it taking a frakking hour everytime.....but this week I am in a funk. 

But the move and the stress took their toll on me. It brought up issues and personal demons I thought I had been over and gotten past.....luckily though I am in the process of looking for new dr's (although so far the 2 I have seen have not been impressive, here is hoping number 3 can help) And hopefully my son can get the help he needs as well. So we will see....but some days are such a struggle for me to maintain it all together.

And I did get to visit Savannah last week which was wonderful, but now I miss certain people and things even more than I did before.....I even got to sing my favorite song in the choir! (a big thank you to Nathan!)

Oh and another update on the movers reimbursing us. We are now almost 2 months out and are still waiting on them to come and finish taking pictures of the damaged goods :( ......oy. So I plan on annoying the daylights out of them come tomorrow morning.

But okie dokie.....i will finally shut up for now, lol.  Muah! <3 you all!

Back to "normal" again....

Ok so its been almost a week since he had to go back. :(, and needless to say up until I had a "come to Jesus meeting" with myself last night, I had been a straight up mess. The kids have been awful since he left; Kate always crying for her daddy, and Indiana's usual stuff plus add to that the fact I felt completely sad and overwhelmed again just did not make for a fun week.

It was so nice having him home with us. Having someone to hug and help out and talk to and watch tv with....we did have a fabulous leave for the most part.We were able to really talk some things out and work through some issues we had been having. And we got to spend Thanksgiving with our family (which could have been very sad for me since my Grandaddy and my Granny just passed)  for the first time in years and he got to go to Indiana's last soccer game of the season. We got to see a movie and even had a date night at the Japanese steak house. Which by the way was the most fun I think I have ever had eating out in my life. We got to spend time as a family and even do some Christmas shopping. The kids loved having him home and were always playing with him or loving on him. It was just really nice all the way around. Maybe too nice....

I enjoyed it so much and that just made it that much harder on me when he left. It seems that by the time you get used to being together again its time for him to go. Now I am alone in this again and frankly 4 months seems like a lifetime right now. And it is very overwhelming to say the least. Plus it was so heart breaking to watch my baby girl go to bed screaming for her daddy and wake up doing the same. It has been so hard just making myself do what I need to get by this week. Much less the extra stuff my kids are used to.

But last night I decided to shake this funk and get on with life. I decided to start taking better care of myself , since apparently I am the only person who can injure there self knitting. I need to start eating better and maybe even working out again, not to lose weight but to just keep myself healthy. And i need to start sleeping more and at a more regular time (always hard for me after he leaves as I just can't sleep). So I decided to turn over a new leaf and start anew this week. I made myself some chamomile tea last night and took my movie to bed and actually went to sleep a a lot earlier than I have been , still not as early as I wanted but its a start. Then after waking up every few hours last night I awoke this morning to get Indiana on the bus and have been up since. Rare for me I assure you. Then while Kate slept in I finished my movie (including the special features) and got it to the mailbox in time for the postman. I even got to talk to the Hubby a lot earlier than usual.  Which made getting up so early so worth it.

So now after having my tea and watching my DVR , just might get it all watched if I keep this "getting up early" thing going :) I am purposefully deciding to be present in my life and not just going through the motions. I will keep reminding myself that life is an adventure and try to enjoy it. And hopefully these next 4 months will fly by.