Heaven..........I'm in heaven.........

Today I am deliriously happy.  The only thing that could make this day any better would be (a. my hubby being here or b. my figuring out a way to attend the homecoming ceremony).

Yesterday I was able to do something I have only dreamed about in the past. And it has made me insanely happy. It turned out better than i had hoped for.

First let me remind you of my shallow vanity....I got a bad haircut that put me in one heck of a funk for weeks. Its sad but my whole day is sometimes determined by whether or not I'm having a good hair day. I feel free to be me when I feel that I look ok. And while I realise I shouldn't be like this, sadly I am .....hopelessly vain.

So.....yesterday I got extensions put in and I fell instantly in love. My whole life I have never been able to have hair this long. And its so pretty and pink (well some of it). I have never ever been happier with my hair. And I really haven't been able to thank my hubby enough for not throwing a fit over my spending the money on it. But like I told him its cheaper than jewelry and makes me way more happy :) . And really let's face it if momma isn't happy then no one else around here will be either, LOL. And this has made me so happy its like a yoga high on crack....not even a migraine could bring me down, or my kids incessant fighting today. I am on top of the world. It really is a dream come true.

I am one lucky girl , I really am. My hubby may not be huge on public displays of affection, but he does love me, more than anyone ever has. He has always loved me no matter how big or broke out or frizzy I was. He never made me feel less than beautiful. And yesterday he gave me my dream. I love him so much for that.

My new hair <3

(Now I am ready for the hubby to come home)

Ch-ch-ch-changes....

"if nothing ever changed there would be no butterflies"
Walt Disney

Oh how true this is.....i saw this sign a few months ago in a Cracker Barrel gift shop, and had to have it. It was overpriced but something about it struck me.....

I have been thinking and worrying a lot the past few weeks about change. The deployment is almost over and I am getting nervous. I have changed a lot this year probably. I don't feel like the same girl he left.

What if he does not like the me I am now. What if he has changed, too. I mean how could he have not. Its been a long time. And what if I do not like the new him....

So what do we do now. How do we go about being together and minimizing conflict? How do I deal with whatever awkwardness there will inevitably be.

I have all these crazy irrational fears running through my head all the time and its driving me nuts. To the point that I have decided to seek a Dr's advice on how to deal with what I have been through and how to deal with what is coming up.  I hate to say that i have procrastinated on this too long, i let my fear keep me from looking for help.  I kept thinking I can do this on my own. But this week it just hit me that maybe i can't. That and just the stress of 2 kids on my own and a house falling down around me....i want to be at my own best when he gets here. I don't want my personal stuff to get in OUR way once he is home.

But really I am starting to think after talking with another good friend that has been there and done that and has the t-shirt, that maybe the army should make this more readily available and easier to get if your spouse deploys, not mandatory per se but maybe they should at least suggest this option a lil more.

And really how could counseling hurt.....it can only help I figure.

So wish me luck as I try to find someone who can see me soon and not in 3 months.....as was the case when i tried to get help for my son....

But I hope that all of these changes in me and in him will only help us. Its been a rough year and I'm ready for things to get to a new normal .  And I want to make my marriage even better than it has ever been. I hope he feels the same way.

oh Wow....

What a year this has been......it has without a doubt been the longest year of my life. And the most difficult. But to be honest, I have never learned more about myself or felt more awesome.

This has been a truly amazing year for me. I have turned 30 and have realised just how awesome I can be. I am in no way perfect but I feel that I have truly grown as a person this year. I have learned how to do basic home repair and plumbing and car repair and how to rebuild a mailbox.....i have managed to keep the house up and all of the kids activities  and have even managed to not kill the children or the cat (though at times I may have been very tempted) . I have learned how to road trip with the 3 of them by myself and how to cope with no sleep and basically do it all including the taxes. And I have survived pretty much intact, with maybe 3/4 of my brain still there. LOL.

I have also managed to (forgive the horn tooting here, I'm really excited) pay down half of our debt and save enough for a vacation! Our first in 13 years.  In fact I paid off 2 bills today :) . I am really really proud of myself and excited .

I wish I had known a long time ago just what i was capable of or just how awesome I could be. I think back on all the time I spent feeling less than and defeated and the fear of being alone......if only I had known or could go back and tell myself.  I mean, I may not have a degree or some fabulous career. But I have a good life and I am now happy to devote my energy to the people around me.....

I know I have whined a lot this deployment or that my frustration and anger may have sometimes gotten away from me....but I have grown immeasurably in myself . And I have never felt stronger or more capable.

Don't get me wrong though after night's like last night where the baby has wet on my bed and the sheets needed to be washed and dried, and the use of the dishwasher and washing machine at the same time resulted in the kitchen flooding , again. And then discovering the toothpaste bomb that had apparently gone off in the kids bathroom at 2am when all i wanted to do was go to bed. But the dryer didn't care how tired i was and wouldn't dry the sheets...so there I sat in a heap on the floor praying to God to please make it stop. I am so looking forward to my other half coming home, because while I may be able to do this on my own I really don't want to, lol.

My hat is off to single mother's everywhere, because while this has been the hardest year of my life , i at least had the knowledge and the hope that my Hubby would be home soon. That this was not permanent for me is all that kept me going some days.

But this really has been one heck of a year and now looking back I wouldn't change a minute of it. (Ok well maybe just a few of them, lol) it has really helped me realise who and what I am and that is one Rockin Mommy and  Wife and you know that really is good enough for me :D

Amen......

First let me say how sorry I am that it has been so long, it has been an interesting few weeks yet again here in deployment land. I injured my arm a few weeks ago and was unable to type effectively using my only my practically useless left hand....and then once that was better life got in the way as usual. Between basketball and my usual mommy duties I got both busy and Lazy.

I was fortunate enough though that after the arm injury the cavalry jumped at the call to serve and my Sister drove all the way here to bring my Aunt Renee to help out :) for which I am eternally grateful.

But anyways on to today's rantings, i mean thoughts.....

Today has been a particularly rough day (which i should have expected after yesterday's fabulous day.....). So today I have decided to share with you all the deployed Wife/Mommy's prayer......feel free to pray it with me if your having a crappy day too......

Dear God,
Please forgive me my multiple sins today. Forgive me for over sleeping and running late, forgive me for my utter frustration with medical science, please forgive me for wanting to bitch slap the horrid idiot teenage girl who works in the tanning salon, forgive my speeding and just general crankiness.

Please help me to calm the homicidal urges and utterly deplorable thoughts running in my head after my children broke my full length mirror while fighting just as we were supposed to be leaving for basketball pictures.....please help me to remember that one day I will indeed miss them at this age and to remember that this too shall pass....

And above all thank you God for the willpower to resist the urge to strangle people today. Thank you for the peace of mind I have in knowing that I will survive and that my children will too. Thank you for loving a raving lunatic such as myself and for forgiving me my idiot human ways. I am forever grateful you love me this much.

Please help me to remember that all of the other idiots I deal with on a regular basis are your children too and deserve kind treatment no matter how asinine they may act towards me. Help me to always remember to take the high road and not use my vehicle or words to hurt others.

Thank you again oh Lord, and I promise to try harder tomorrow to be more like you :)

AMEN




[And hey if you have ever been there too can I get a Amen, or a hallelujah, hehe]

Family Portraits deployment style....

Today I finally reached the point of this deployment where you finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. The point where you realise that you will get through this and that it is finally almost over. Woohoo! Lord knows it took me long enough.....

But I thought I would show everyone that even though you're separated by 7000+ miles that you can still have things like family portraits, LOL. Here is one of ours taken on Christmas day.

Please excuse the hair, I am usually a hot mess, I so need a makeover. But I thought it was cute and wanted to show off my crazy lil' family :)

Merry Christmas!

But the angel said to them , "Do not be afraid. I bring to you good news and great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Saviour has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord"......Happy Birthday Baby Jesus, who is the reason for the season, and through whom I have been so very blessed this year.

I am very fortunate that this year is the only Christmas my Hubby has ever missed with me, no small feat for the military family I assure you. And while I miss him so, I know that we have been very lucky.

And it was a fabulous Christmas, we got way more than we could ever need and even got snow. A first for my hometown according to Dad. And we ate till we had to put the fat pants on (I will probably weigh a million pounds by New Year's Eve)....there were funny pictures and Christmas bedtime stories and sleepovers at my Sister's house, and some quality family time spent. But....

It was sad for several reasons too...I missed my Grandaddy and my Granny. This would have been the first Christmas with my Granny in over 20 years. And I still do not understand why God needed her when he did. I wish he had given her just this one Christmas with us, as I know she was so looking forward to it. And Christmas Eve at my MawMaw's just isn't the same without my Grandaddy. And it made me regret the last 8 years that I have not gone home for Christmas, and then I finally get to come home and its too late.  But the thing that makes me the saddest was that my Hubby missed all of this with us. It is just no fun playing Santa alone (and I really do hate putting everything together myself), and it made me miss him all the more.

Plus I do not know if it is sleep deprivation or stress, but I have been uber emotional this Christmas. And as odd as it sounds I felt so very alone last night in the middle of my really big family. It was weird being the only married person there without her spouse (besides my poor MawMaw) ....but I am thankful for this Christmas. It was nice seeing everyone and spending time with them, because you just never know if you will get another Christmas.  Much less a white one.....so Yay!

I am also thankful that the shopping is finally done and there is nothing left to be bought or wrapped or cooked.....time to settle in for the night with a Christmas movie and relax. I only wish I had some wine, LOL.

So here is hoping a Happy Christmas to all and to all a goodnight :)

Army Wife on Strike......

I have seen some interesting debates online lately regarding military families and the benefits or lack thereof that we have. And frankly some of the responses I have seen in the form of comments make me very angry, to say the least.

I will not lie and say that in this economy I am not very glad to have a steady income coming in every month, as I am. And for the most part I am happy with our army life. But really , it was not going to take much to beat the POS trailer we left and the loss of jobs we were dealing with at the time. Which I suppose is what the army and other branches of military count on (that there are plenty of poor people looking to escape wherever they are) , as you just do not see too many affluent children enlisting. Do you?

But just because I am happy to have a paycheck every month does not mean that we as spouses never have the right to complain about the army's lack of care for families and that the army does not have room to improve upon itself and its policies.  Because let's face it everyone of us and our government will always have room to improve.

I personally feel that families are an after thought for the head of the army and that they will only do the bare minimum necessary to appear as though they give a care about us families. But as this is just my opinion and no one Else's, believe what you will. But I also believe that some soldiers are just not a priority to them either. My Hubby has been in 10 yrs and has had multiple training schools and background checks, all at a high cost I am sure to the government. His MOS also has a low rate of retention and are way below quota on recruiting. So this would leave you to think that his MOS is in need of keeping the guys they have, especially the decorated and well liked , the ones who have proven great proficiency at their job....but I guess not. As they have made no effort whatsoever to make my Hubby want to reenlist in 2 yrs, if anything they are pushing him to want to get out.

I understand that the "needs of the army" will always come first , but I also know that they can be more accommodating to the soldier and their families if they want to. And in the 10 yrs we have been in we have never received a choice of duty station, even after we have extended our contract in order to move to a new place only to be told less than a year later that they would be closing the same base and moving us out. Did we get the year back we had extended for since they did not keep their end of  the deal? No, of course not. Did we have an avenue to voice a complaint about this, No, of course not. By the time it was all said and done my hubby had to put in 7 yrs before he could even reenlist for the first time. And now we have been told where we are headed to next.......but of course the army did not go about it in the right way in my opinion. We were told that we would find out what was available and then would have some say in where we went to, but in the end the man who told us this did not do it, but instead assigned us and did not even tell us before he left (not sure if he was reassigned or pcs'd) . We found out from the new guy. And of course we have no recourse. We are stuck. And while I am praying and trying to be optimistic that they could change their minds (I mean it could happen , miracles do still exist) my hubby has already given up and written a career in the army off. His morale is so low and there is nothing I can do to help make him feel any better about it.

But anyways back to the debates I was reading.....

Frankly I am a little tired of civilian wives and even some silly military wives who say that we get way more than we deserve for what we do. And that we do not deserve them and should not feel so entitled. I personally think that the military does not receive as much as we deserve.  We are horribly underpaid compared to the civilian counterparts (this is based off of my Hubby's mos alone) and are forced to be apart for great lengths of time. We are also told where we must live and most bases are in horrid locations, and tend to be in the middle of nowhere. And while I understand that there are too many people in the army for everyone to go where they want , I do feel that those with a good deal of time and seniority should receive a choice if there are options to choose from. I also feel that if you think that we get too much and do not deserve what we do get that you should really try this lifestyle. Because really if it was as great as you say it is why wouldn't you want to. If it was as fabulous as it is made out to be everyone would do it, and not just predominantly the lower income brackets. And unlike a civilian job where you have the right to quit and move on at any time we are not given that luxury. And while many civilians (like my Daddy) put themselves in harms way all the time for work, soldiers do this on foreign soil often in lands where they are not wanted, or in support of wars they themselves do not support. Army deployments are long and hard (because they have not come to the conclusion all the other branches have yet) and are absolutely terrible on the families left behind. I am a single mother for now and it is hard, especially for a wife who has come to depend on and appreciates her Hubby's help. (and once again I am not in any way saying things could not get worse, just saying things could always be better). Plus if your hubby deploys with a group like mine has, there is no real support available to me as he did not go with a large battalion; there is no frg to fall back on or really any other wives in the same boat to lean on.  His unit here has been kind enough to keep up with me, but its not the same as a large unit FRG.  So I think those who say we have no right to complain are the ones who should hush. While no one has the right to be Debbie Downer all the time or to the point of annoying others, there is nothing wrong with the occasional complaint. Or attempt to shed light on a situation worthy of change.

And I commend the army wife who got her complaints on the news in CO for her blog. Especially since she received some really negative responses and has continued on.

And since there is no real place for the spouse of a soldier to voice concerns and complaints to I am putting mine here. And if the army and his MOS are not concerned at all with retaining a fabulous soldier like my Hubby, that is their loss. I know that he will find something awesome and that they will appreciate his unique skills . We do not need the army to survive. I just think its a shame that they care so little, as it would not have taken much to keep him. He has never been one to make waves or get in trouble and has shown time and time again that he can do his job admirably and has the awards to prove it. He is a strong leader well liked by his men and superiors. But if the army can not appreciate that , then they do not deserve him.

And frankly I am a little over this life too, at this point. Maybe it is time to look ahead and get ready to make a change.......