Ch-ch-ch-changes....

"if nothing ever changed there would be no butterflies"
Walt Disney

Oh how true this is.....i saw this sign a few months ago in a Cracker Barrel gift shop, and had to have it. It was overpriced but something about it struck me.....

I have been thinking and worrying a lot the past few weeks about change. The deployment is almost over and I am getting nervous. I have changed a lot this year probably. I don't feel like the same girl he left.

What if he does not like the me I am now. What if he has changed, too. I mean how could he have not. Its been a long time. And what if I do not like the new him....

So what do we do now. How do we go about being together and minimizing conflict? How do I deal with whatever awkwardness there will inevitably be.

I have all these crazy irrational fears running through my head all the time and its driving me nuts. To the point that I have decided to seek a Dr's advice on how to deal with what I have been through and how to deal with what is coming up.  I hate to say that i have procrastinated on this too long, i let my fear keep me from looking for help.  I kept thinking I can do this on my own. But this week it just hit me that maybe i can't. That and just the stress of 2 kids on my own and a house falling down around me....i want to be at my own best when he gets here. I don't want my personal stuff to get in OUR way once he is home.

But really I am starting to think after talking with another good friend that has been there and done that and has the t-shirt, that maybe the army should make this more readily available and easier to get if your spouse deploys, not mandatory per se but maybe they should at least suggest this option a lil more.

And really how could counseling hurt.....it can only help I figure.

So wish me luck as I try to find someone who can see me soon and not in 3 months.....as was the case when i tried to get help for my son....

But I hope that all of these changes in me and in him will only help us. Its been a rough year and I'm ready for things to get to a new normal .  And I want to make my marriage even better than it has ever been. I hope he feels the same way.

pity party ....table for one

Tonight  I am sitting  here bemoaning this terrible life of mine.

 (OK I exaggerate). But seriously today is one of those days that makes you want to hunt Uncle Sam down and stab him multiple times and then run him over repeatedly with a really large gas guzzling SUV.....seriously.

It feels so unfair that my Hubby is still over there in that ridiculous god forsaken place, not only because I do not support this action we have undertaken, nor the fact I am a pacifist, but for the reason that I want him home with me.

I am so beyond sick of being alone. I am tired of going to bed alone. I am tired of doing everything alone. I even miss just having him sit on the love seat mindlessly staring at his stupid computer (something that honestly made me want to throw rocks at him when he was home). Tv is not as much fun when you have no one to discuss it with. Or at least someone to complain about its lack of authenticity with.

Plus not to be all TMI or anything I really really need to get laid. I have no idea what planet the powers that be live on that they think 7-8 months without sex is healthy for anyone. All I can say is its a really good thing that I am not the armed person in this relationship. I miss being hugged and held and especially kissed. And frankly I feel as if I might just lose my mind.

And I know that it sounds incredibly childish and even petty, but I get so incredibly jealous when I see or hear that someone else's husband is on his way home. I mean in my rational mind I know that they all did their time over there. Well most of them. The draw down really upset me because so many guys got to come home early. Not my Hubby, he is essential personnel and has to stay his full year. I know they have a mission to do, but nights like tonight I just want to scream . I mean all my brain keeps saying is "why are the soldiers the only ones who have to be gone for so long?" "Why couldn't we have joined the airforce instead, they are still only pulling 6 month deployments at most?"

But like i said in the beginning I can exagerate when I am sleep deprived and upset and I know that tomorrow is another day. And that I will wake up glad that we chose this life....well that is how it happens most days. LOL. I mean I am not a psychic, and can not guarantee that I will not wake up in a homicidal rage tomorrow morning hell bent on inflicting torture on the world (insert evil laugh here.....). But hopefully I won't. Because in the end this was the best decision for my family at the time that we made it. And i know that we will get through this too just like every other separation we have faced before....

But then oddly at the same time I am incredibly nervous for R&R.....what if everything is different. I mean we have been through so much already with this deployment. And this really is the longest we have ever had to be apart (we are really fortunate, I know, but doesn't help me right now. LOL) I just wish that even I could make some sense of the ridiculous stuff flying around in my head. It's such a paradox really; on the one hand I would do just about anything to have him home with me right now, but then at the same time I am worried . How much sense does that make. I feel so nuts.

So yeah, there is my pity party for one. And I am going to go ahead and give into it tonight now that the kids are in bed and Hubby is not up over there yet. I will give myself this brief hour to fall apart and be completely unhinged. I will pour myself a glass of wine and I will step outside and have a smoke. Then I will put my big girl panties back on and get on with life. I know that I can do this regardless of what is thrown at me. I will get up tomorrow and put one foot in front of the other and i will feed my kids and clean my house and I will survive. (Even though at this very moment it does not feel that way at all).